VIEW FROM THE STANDS

The big talking point among the fans is whether our transfer policy has truly turned a corner, or if we’ll soon return to signing injury-prone wasters and footballers who were good in 2012. By now we’d usually have signed Daniel Sturridge and Gary Cahill, but instead it’s Spanish starlet Pablo Fornals and Sebastien Haller. It’s almost enough to get excited, until you remember we signed Jack Wilshere last year. The pantomime villain will be Frank Lampard, Chelsea manager. That might be fun. The opposition player I secretly admire is Son Heung-min. The one change I’d make to the club would be to rip up the running track, rebuild the stands so they’re in the same postcode as the pitch, institute a policy of never buying players over 25, employ some actual medical professionals, let the players train at a professional training ground, build an analytics team, and have a scouting department instead of agents. But if I can have only one then it’d be a change of owners. Our most underrated player is Alisha Lehmann, the best player that our fans don’t know we have. Look out for Ben Johnson. The fans’ opinion of the gaffer is that he’s very popular, as his commitment to attacking football has endeared him to fans who don’t seem to mind that we’re often absymal away from home as a result. He’s decent enough. I doubt he’ll be under pressure. If he left, he should be replaced by Julian Nagelsmann. We’ll finish 10th.