My Football: Milton Jones

The Mock The Week comic discusses Kanu, Pat Jennings’ giant hands and yellow cards for animal impressions

First game you ever attended?

It was a Home International in the ’70s: England beat Northern Ireland 1-0 and Phil Neal scored a penalty. That’s probably why they cancelled the Home Internationals – when Phil Neal gets the winner, you know it’s been a dull game. Who was your childhood hero and did you ever meet them?

I’ve never really met any Arsenal players. They have a charity do and invite a comedian, but I’ve turned it down because of the stress of seeing all your heroes not laughing. Charlie George was my hero, and I almost met him once. He’s a club ambassador and I saw him walk past, but I was starstruck. All I could think to say was, “I like your goals!”, which would have been pathetic, so I didn’t say anything. Your finest moment as a player?

I was a Trevor Steven: I could cross a ball but I got slower as my career progressed. I started on the right wing, then went to right-back. I’d score about 10 goals a year – quite often a free-kick which was a cross that went in. I’m not sure it’s my finest moment, but I was cautioned once for making animal noises. I didn’t know that was actually a possibility. I was just trying to put off players. It’s an option if you can’t match their pace, as it can freak them out, but apparently that’s bad sportsmanship. Who from Arsenal’s past would you bring back for the current side?

They need some grit in midfield; they’ve never replaced Patrick Vieira. Maybe someone like Peter Storey, although he probably wouldn’t be allowed to play any more; he’d spend the whole time suspended. I think he ended up in jail for something.

Who has or had the hardest shot you’ve ever seen?

Vieira had a good whack on him because he had such long legs – it was like a golf swing. My mate Dave could really whack a ball, too.

But it has to be Tony Yeboah – the scale you measure shots by.

Which player do you like even though they never played for your club?

I’m tempted to say Johan Cruyff, but that’s too obvious. It’s the players who do something and you think ‘What was that?!’, because you never saw it coming. Cruyff was in that category – Duncan Mckenzie, too. I liked Dimitri Payet at West Ham. He’d put a free-kick into the corner that was least obvious. You’d think he’d aim for the far corner, but he’d aim for the corner where the keeper was standing, and still score. Where’s the best place you’ve ever watched a game?

Definitely not Wembley, because the old Wembley had too many pillars and the new one takes hours to get in and out of. I once had one of the packages at the Emirates Stadium where you have a box and a three-course meal; it was great, but it felt like cheating. I’d rather go to Hampton & Richmond and watch Arsenal’s under-17s, which can be more interesting sometimes. Favourite football book?

Nick Hornby’s Fever Pitch: the most influential football book ever. It helped that I supported Arsenal and knew all of the games he was talking about. When he talked about walking behind people in the street, pretending you’ve got the ball, going past them and beating them to a traffic light – all of that nonsense – I knew exactly what he was talking about. It was good observational stand-up. What’s the strangest thing you’ve seen or heard at a game? Being cautioned for making animal noises isn’t great… I’ve seen lots of violence on football pitches – it’s amazing what people get away with. I’ve been punched in the face and no action was taken at all. As soon as I get involved in football, I become quite competitive. Someone will say, “Let some kids play” and I’ll say, “But then I can’t slide tackle them, can I?”

Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever met a manager or a player?

I once bumped into Pat Jennings at Heathrow Airport. At the time he was a Tottenham player – I’d like to say he dropped my autograph, but he was so nice. Weirdly big hands. I don’t know whether they were big to begin with or got pulled about from making saves. What’s the most important piece of memorabilia that you have or wish you still had?

I’ve got a pennant, which still smells of horrible plastic, with ‘Arsenal Double-winners 70/71’ written on it very badly. It was one of the first things I ever got. I also had an old Arsenal kit until it fell apart, from Christmas when I was six. My brother supported Leeds, but my mum got him a Chelsea kit because it would be easier to wash. He has never forgiven her.

Who’s your current favourite player? Probably [Pierre-emerick] Aubameyang, or [Matteo] Guendouzi – he’s a little Gallic in terms of how easily he goes down, but he can take a game by the scruff of the neck. They should make him the captain.

If you could drop yourself into your all-time Arsenal team, who would you be playing alongside?

I loved Kanu – you never knew what he was going to do, because he didn’t know either. Alan Ball had white boots, so I’ve always tried to buy white boots since then, and I’m sure I’ve had more fouls committed against me as a result. I would put Abou Diaby in there as well, just to give him a game. Tony Adams is Mr Arsenal, so he could play alongside me. The problem is that he’d probably be shouting in my ear the whole time. Which player would you choose as your room-mate?

Definitely not a joker – not Ray Parlour or someone that just messes about. I understand that Dennis Bergkamp wore pyjamas and turned in at a proper time. If you want a good night’s sleep, Bergkamp’s your man.

Which celebrity should we ask these questions to soon?

A lot of comedians are Arsenal fans: Alan Davies, Dara O’briain, Romesh Ranganathan, Rob Beckett and Hugh Dennis. When I do Mock The Week, it can be four out of seven people who support Arsenal. I don’t know whether that’s specified at the booking stage; if Dara says, “We need more Arsenal people!” I think it’s just because it’s got the word ‘arse’ in it – that means it attracts comedians.

Chris Flanagan

Jones is touring with ‘Milton: Impossible’. For ticket details, visit miltonjones.com