Best & Worst: West Ham United

Journalist, broadcaster and Irons fan Sam Delaney is wild about ’Arry – his nephew, on the other hand...

XI

BEST: Ludek Miklosko, Ray Stewart, Alvin Martin, Rio Ferdinand (below), Julian Dicks, Alan Devonshire, Joe Cole, Scott Parker, Dimitri Payet, Paolo Di Canio, Tony Cottee. WORST: Alan Mcknight, Lionel Scaloni, Gary Breen, Rigobert Song, Mitchell Thomas, Ilie Dumitrescu,

Paul Ince, Frank Lampard Jr,

Joey Beauchamp, Marco Boogers, Lee Chapman

PLAYER

B: Julian Dicks (right). Fans love players who look as if they care as much as we do. If anything, Dicks cared too much. It was worrying at times. W: Marco Boogers. We thought we had the next Marco van Basten. He played five minutes and got sent off for kicking Gary Neville, never to be seen again.

MOMENT

B: Tony Gale’s Platini-esque free-kick in 1988 to make it 4-1 against Liverpool in the Littlewoods Cup. I was too young to go to Upton Park on a schoolnight, so I watched the highlights on Midweek Sports Special. I’m still buzzing from that result.

W: Steven Gerrard’s injury-time equaliser in the 2006 FA Cup Final.

GAME

B: I was at Old Trafford in 2007 when Carlos Tevez saved us from relegation with the only goal of the game. Magic. W: Losing 6-0 away at Reading on New Year’s Day 2007. It chucked it down, too.

SEASON

B: 2005-06. Nigel Reo-coker’s aggression, Yossi Benayoun’s trickery, Dean Ashton’s brilliance and Alan Pardew’s world-class banter lit up our first year back in the Prem and got us all the way to the FA Cup final.

W: 2010-11. Avram Grant guided us to relegation with all the tactical awareness and personal charm of a Black

& Decker Workmate.

SIGNING

B: Carlos Tevez.

W: Joey Beauchamp, 1994. He got homesick for Oxford and we sold him to Swindon after 58 days.

NICKNAME

B: Both Iain Dowie (left) and Shaka Hislop were known as ‘The Professor’ during their spells, because they both had degrees in engineering.

W: George ‘Ringo’ Mccartney. It’s a silly nickname and makes no sense at all.

GOAL

B: Martin Allen’s Littlewoods Cup volley against Wimbledon in 1989, which sparked complete mayhem under the floodlights.

W: Dowie’s own goal against Stockport County in 1996: a sensational bullet header that he never managed to re-create at the correct end of the field.

KIT

B: The mid-80s Adidas home shirt: claret with blue hoops and ‘Avco’ emblazoned across it.

W: 1989-90. We’d just been relegated to the Second Division, and to make matters worse, we then turned out in a chequerboard shirt manufactured by an outfit called Bukta and sponsored by BAC Windows.

CULT HERO

B: ‘Disco’ Dani, the Portuguese wonderkid who briefly lit up the Premier League in 1996 with his silky skills and breathtaking looks. “I don’t know whether to play him or f**k him,” said manager Harry Redknapp at the time. W: I liked Christian Dailly, but not as much as the fans who used to sing, “I’d let you shag my wife” at him every single week.

CHANT

B: “Paul Konchesky on the left-hand side” to the tune of Musical Youth classic Pass the Dutchie.

W: I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles to the tune of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Babyish.

MANAGER

B: Harry Redknapp (above). Not every West Ham fan will agree, but his era was so damn exciting.

W: Avram Grant.

HAIRCUT

B: Ian Bishop’s glorious ’90s mane, which he used to lash opponents with whenever he was turning on the ball. W: Marouane Chamakh’s asymmetric greaseball look circa 2013.

AWAY TRIP

B: Millwall. Exciting. W: Watford. Rubbish.

OPPONENT

B: Romelu Lukaku. We tried and failed to sign him about six times. He rubbed it in by managing to score every time he played against us.

W: Frank Lampard Jr. Left West Ham in acrimonious circumstances. Signed for our hated rivals. Antagonised us constantly in the media. Scored every time he played against us. Became one of the world’s best midfielders. Ugh.

FACIAL HAIR

B: Alvin Martin’s ‘upside-down man’ bald head and beard combo of the early-90s.

W: Neil Orr’s wispy ’80s ‘tache.

HARD MAN

B: Julian Dicks – known as a ‘hard man’ just because he had a shaved head (and because he was very hard) but he was an artist, too, with a peach of a left foot. W: Paul Ince. Wanted to be called ‘The Guv’nor’. Knocked out by Alvin Martin.

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