MATT HOLLAND

The former Ipswich and Ireland midfielder on his pigeon fury and Sophie Ellis-bextor cross-dressing

“WHY DON’T WE SEE ANY BABY PIGEONS IN LONDON? GOOD QUESTION. PIGEONS ARE FAT, SO MAYBE THEY EAT THEM?”

Hi Matt. We’re going to kick off this interview with a compliment. You’re apparently 45, but look around 26 – what’s happening?

Hi. Good question! I do get called Peter Pan a lot. To be honest, I can’t explain it. I think it might be in the genes. My nan is 92 and she looks like she could be in her seventies. Maybe that’s it.

Are you tremendously well-hydrated with a substantial skincare regime? FFT keeps forgetting to drink enough water each day and now we have the complexion of Weetabix.

I’m not that well-hydrated, no – I don’t drink a lot of water. I should be having more, but I’m more likely to drink a cup of coffee. But yes, I do moisturise every morning. I use that L’oreal stuff, which is pretty good. I buy it when it’s on offer and think it does help.

Are you sleeping a solid eight hours a night, Matt?

Easily. I definitely get my eight hours – I absolutely love my bed. I fall asleep on the sofa every night, and I’m always in bed by about 10pm. Then I don’t have to get up until around 6.45am, so that’s well over eight hours. We have horses, so we have to get up a little bit early or they’d be kicking the doors down trying to find their food.

And are you eating five a day?

I am. I like fruit and veg and eat pretty healthily. Especially satsumas, the easy peelers – I’ll eat them like they’re going out of fashion.

The problem we find with satsumas is that you get too many duffers...

Yes, it’s a nightmare if you end up with a pack of dry ones.

It’s a lottery. How old do you feel? Are there any signs of ageing, like trouble getting out of a chair?

Oh, definitely. When I wake up, it takes me a few minutes to come around. My legs are in bits and I’ll limp to the toilet. My back will be sore and both knees are stiff. It’s a while before I can get going. I need a bit of WD40. I guess it’s pretty common for ex-footballers, though. It’s the right side especially; my hip, ankle, knee and shoulder. I was right-footed, so that side is the worst.

Can you understand young people’s music these days? Are you listening to underground drill mixtapes while driving on a motorway?

Oh God, no. I haven’t got a clue. I have boys who are really into every genre of music, but I don’t get it. My missus likes it, but most of it isn’t my cup of tea. Could you tell us what the No.1 song is as we speak?

No, not a chance!

It’s Dance Monkey by someone called Tones & I.

I’ve never heard of her.

She has a hat and a big coat.

See, there we go. Straight over my head. I mean, I have itunes and I do listen to music. I haven’t been and bought a CD for years, though.

Do you have a fidget spinner?

A what?

That’s a no, then. Have you ever made a Tik Tok?

I haven’t. I’m clearly living on a different planet these days.

What do you think about Kayne West finding God?

Well, I just say fair play to him. Everyone has their own decisions to make in their life. I saw Kanye live at the Brits once – he did Gold Digger. There were about 50 women up on stage, all dressed in gold, and it was really good. But he’s made his own choices. I’ve never had any religious experiences, although I’m happy to pop along to church with my nan.

Dion Dublin says he’s got an affinity for his namesake city, so do you have a loyalty to the Dutch?

You have to, don’t you? It’s an amazing country. I cycled there a few years ago, when I did the London to Amsterdam bike ride, and that was great. And I like the football team – the orange is pretty good. I suppose I have supported them a bit, because of my name.

Do you enjoy pancakes?

They’re great, although I wouldn’t have one every day. I’ll enjoy a few on Shrove Tuesday with lemon and sugar. Putting chocolate on them ruins it.

Which Dutchie would you pick as the best ever? Anne Frank? Rembrandt? Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink, maybe? I’m going to keep it Ipswich-centric and say Arnold Muhren. I host an ex-players dinner at Ipswich and it was a pleasure talking to him. I remember as a kid that he’d always be scoring.

Good choice. Your name is an anagram of ‘That doll man’ and ‘Tall tom hand’. If you had to be known by one of these names, which would you pick?

Well, I’m not tall. My missus always calls me a short arse. She’s a piss-taker. It will have to be ‘That doll man’, then. That’s not very fair from Mrs Holland. I know, right? I’m 5ft 10in – it’s not like I’m 5ft 4in. [Starts jabbering to someone] I’m sitting next to Tony Cottee, and he insists 5ft 10in is tall! She’s being harsh. Undoubtedly. Why don’t we see baby pigeons in London, Matt? Where have they all gone?

That’s a good question. Pigeons are fat, so maybe they eat them? I’m just fed up with pigeons in general. They’re all over my bloody decking, making a right mess. You share a birthday with Cerys ‘Road Rage’ Matthews, Lisa Stansfield and Joss Stone. Which one would you most like to duet with?

Joss Stone wins on looks, and she’s got the best voice, too. A double whammy. She’s great. Speaking of female singers, I was once told that I was a lookalike for Sophie Ellis-bextor...

Amazing. Do you think Lisa Stansfield has found her baby yet?

She’s probably still looking.

If you had to disrupt a major sporting event, which one would you choose? You’ve got to go for the one that most people are watching, so I think it would have to be the World Cup final, dressed as Sophie Ellis-bextor!

Now that’s a mental image. Cheers for chatting, Matt!

Thanks.

Matt was at the launch of the Tote Ten To Follow. Visit tote.co.uk/ten-to-follow