The world’s sweariest toddler

... Thailand: massive footballs fell out of the sky in the noughties, causing devastation in the automotive industry

“CAN WE HAVE OUR BALL BACK?”

1

After the success of the Brazil airport advert before France 98, Nike had plenty more ideas up their sleeve for the noughties – and some were plain weird. The sportswear giants gathered the planet’s finest players for a cage football tournament ahead of the 2002 World Cup, then decided that there was only one team who could promote Euro 2004. They brought back Brazil, despite them not being in any way European...

The Samba stars clashed with Portugal in a stadium concourse where Eric Cantona just happened to be hanging about, in the latest attempt to crowbar him into their ads ( see ‘ bemused man on plane’ in 1998).

But while European audiences watched Ronaldo face Cristiano Ronaldo – featuring commentary from Brian Marwood – Asian viewers were treated to something different. There, Nike got a huge football and smashed it on top of a BMW outside a Bangkok shopping mall.

All it was missing was a bemused Cantona looking on in the background.

2

Way back in the noughties, football pitches weren’t the bowling greens they are today – some of them resembled swamps.

That was particularly the case at the UK Swamp Soccer tournament: on the same day that England were battling Portugal in the quarter- finals of the 2006 World Cup in Gelsenkirchen, the good people of Scotland were busy distracting themselves with a rather different version of the game, which originated in the swamps of Finland.

Hosted in Dunoon, west of Glasgow, players were more than willing to get stuck in, and by the end their bodies were approximately 97 per cent mud.

They probably didn’t care once they heard the England result.

CLEAR AS MUD

3

More Thai weirdness now: this time involving a herd of elephants.

In a bold attempt to discourage illegal gambling during Euro 2004, authorities staged a contest between the massive beasts and the inmates of a local prison – after all, nothing raises awareness of important public issues like an elephant playing football, right?

Ten of the monster mammals teamed up, each sporting the flag of a side from the Euros. The inmates realised they had their work cut out when the elephants were taught to lie down in front of their goal to thwart attacks, then pick up the ball with their trunk and charge towards the opposition net.

Let’s be honest, no goalkeeper in the world is stopping that, Clive.

DUMBO 1 PRISONERS 0

4

Gary Lineker famously paraded in just his underwear when Leicester won the Premier League, but that’s not the only time he’s tried out a new look.

In 2003, a period when the BBC didn’t have Premier League TV rights, Lineker kept himself busy by popping down to the salon and getting his flowing locks trimmed by Tony Adams’ ex, Caprice.

OK, it wasn’t actually his real hair. The photoshoot was in aid of Red Nose Day, and others to receive a colourful haircut that afternoon included Patrick Kielty, Lenny Henry and Gareth Gates.

Thankfully, Lineker didn’t confidently back Gates for big success in the years to come – those pants would have been due another outing.

“JUST A SHORT BACK AND SIDES, PLEASE”

5

It was pretty simple for a small child to become a meme in the noughties: all they had to do was turn up at the UEFA Cup final and flip the bird.

That’s what a young Feyenoord lover did in May 2002, and the image became famous all around the world. The Dutch team faced Borussia Dortmund just two days after the murder of controversial Rotterdam politician Pim Fortuyn – BVB fans refused to respect the pre- match moment of silence, prompting a furious reaction from home supporters.

A hostile evening of football followed, with Pierre van Hooijdonk and Robin van Persie helping Feyenoord win 3- 2, but even they couldn’t match the headlines of the sweary toddler.

“DO GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY, KIND SIR”