Ivo Graham’s love for Swindon

The comedian, apologetic Eton alumnus and – most crucially – Robins superfan, recalls his finest stories of mistaken identity, timing triumphs and Giuliano Grazioli

So, Swindon. But first! Confession…

I grew up in Wiltshire, but was actually a Manchester United fan in the late ’ 90s. It peaked deliciously with the Treble, but at that point my dad said, “You should be supporting your local team.” He’s not a massive football fan, nor does he have any great affiliation to Swindon, but I think he enjoyed trying it on. He was very surprised when I called his bluff and started asking to go to games. You might argue that it’s been a pointless 20- year exercise in proving him wrong.

Who was your childhood hero, and did you ever meet them?

The first Swindon player was Giuliano Grazioli, who’d knocked us out of the FA Cup while playing for Stevenage. I felt like I truly owed my heart to Keith O’halloran [ right], though, who was in the same team

– I once sent him an autograph book, along with a pleading note that said, “Could you please help me get some signatures and send it back to me?” I remember thinking that I wouldn’t send it to Grazioli because he probably got too much stuff. But Keith sent me back a full autograph book – I would love to say thanks. Sadly, he doesn’t have much social media presence.

What’s your finest moment as a player?

Well, I can’t shy away from the fact that I went to Eton College when I was a teenager. The boarding houses would have some tournaments, and there were two cup competitions – the ‘ FA Cup’ and ‘ League Cup’. All the best players would play in the ‘ FA Cup’, where we would get thumped. The ‘ League Cup’ featured all of the average players in each house – call it the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy, if you will. My house won, and I was a big part of that very average team. That’s probably the only thing I really achieved at school. It’s quite an achievement to play five- a- side in London on a Wednesday evening and still get to a gig afterwards. That’s the greatest thrill of my work- life balance as an adult: if I can give everything in Warren Street at 8pm and then still close the 99 Club in Leicester Square at 9.30pm, I’ve played a blinder.

What do you like most about going to a match?

Going to the away games, particularly when you realise that your tour dates tie in. Apparently there are comedians who can manage that – I remember hearing that Nathan Caton could just look at Brentford’s fixture list, then he’d book gigs around them. I don’t have that clout or organisational heft, though, so it’s more just an occasional coincidence. I went to a fantastic away game at Bury, which unbeknownst to me was my last chance to go to Gigg Lane, and had a tour show later that evening in Loughborough. I mentioned it on Twitter, and was told by quite a few people that it was an unprofessional situation to put myself in. Then I watched a thumping away win and rocked up about 15 minutes before my stage time. Again, brilliant.

What’s your favourite goal you’ve ever seen live?

There have been more important Swindon games and seasons, but you can’t beat a) a last- minute winner from b) a diving header on c) Boxing Day, so it’ll be that mash- up. It came against Colchester in 2005, courtesy of Rory Fallon, who would be part of the legendary ( for pub quizzes) unbeaten New Zealand 2010 World Cup team.

Who from your club’s past would you bring back for the current side?

The current season is not going massively well, mainly because we lost about two- thirds of last season’s title- winning team. But I think what we need most urgently is a striker, so I’d have to say any of the great Swindon goalscorers of the last 10- 15 years: Charlie Austin, Simon Cox, Eoin Doyle.

Which player do you like despite never playing for your club?

Jermaine Beckford. He was on the receiving end of our triumphant 3- 0 Leeds double in 2010, but knocked us out of the FA Cup with Leicester in 2012, then put us to the sword with Preston at Wembley three years later – a thoroughly miserable day.

Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever watched a game?

I watched all of England’s 2010 World Cup matches early in the morning on the Hollywood Boulevard. I’d travelled over to Los Angeles with several other English comedians for an ‘ American tour’, which proved as hubristic as the pre- tournament expectations that Fabio was going to take us all the way.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever seen or heard at a game?

I was once watching Swindon playing Tranmere, sat in front of this dad and