The pensioner professionals

Ronaldo may still be in tip- top shape at 36 – others weren’t...

Footballers lived differently in the 1980s. Training was tough, pub crawls were even tougher and the only grooming products were Brut and Old Spice. No wonder they often looked like your grandad. But which players aged worst? Winston Gallagher has been on a quest to find out.

“The diet, booze and fags didn’t help,” says Gallagher, who runs popular Twitter account 80s Footballers Ageing Badly. “In the ’ 80s, they’d probably just started to live the football lifestyle more, all of that free time. And the ’ taches – they instantly put 10 years on you.”

Gallagher’s life is now awash with retro ‘ stars’. He started the account in 2019 after thumbing nostalgically through old sticker albums – “Scottish players particularly, I was aghast” – then launched a tournament while locked down. The gnarled contenders went head to head via Twitter polls, “and it took off in a way I could never have expected.”

He spawned a monster: 543,568 votes were cast for this summer’s follow- up, extended to include ’ 70s players. When one quarter- final – craggy Swede Sven- Gunnar Larsson vs Bristol City’s Brian Drysdale – was replayed due to a typo, “people really went to town, causing crowd trouble, throwing Werther’s Originals. They can get quite partisan behind their men.”

The winner of last year’s inaugural prize was Nivaldo, a balding 29- when- photographed

Brazilian. “Loads of people changed their Twitter names to Nivaldo, a clay statue was made... someone else crocheted him.”

Former Bayern Munich striker Dieter Hoeness ( top right) was among those ousted during tournament two, before ex- Saints skipper Peter Rodrigues ( top left) defeated Giuliano Castoldi in the final – despite Henning Wehn tweeting his support for the Italian. “Anyone can look prematurely f** ked on a British diet – Castoldi did it on a Mediterranean one,” the comedian declared admiringly.

“I’m amazed the Scottish players haven’t won,” says Gallagher. “Which is so Scottish.”

Several players have been in touch – and some relatives, secretly. “Now and again I’ll get the son of a player saying, ‘ For God’s sake don’t tell him, but check out my dad back in the day’,” he confides. “Kevin Ratcliffe got in touch about his, saying, ‘ That’s not fair, it was a sunny day – I was squinting into the sun’.”

The Everton legend had a point, but it’s all good- humoured. A positive community have bonded over baldness and wrinkles. “It’s great seeing those conversations,” smiles Gallagher. “I’ve had lots of messages from people having a rough time saying it was a little light.”

Perhaps it’ll produce a wedding eventually, with Nivaldo, Rodrigues and Larsson as guests of honour? Just stay away from the photos.