The slice is right

YOUR DAILY BREAD HAS MANY TALENTS BESIDES HOLDING TOGETHER A SANDWICH.

STOPPING ONION TEARS // History has brought us many supposed cures for chopped-onion-related tears, and here’s another to add to the list: stuffing fresh white bread in your mouth, with the end sticking out. Sure, you’ll look like a fool, but apparently the bread acts like a spongy barrier, soaking up tear-inducing gases before they get to your eyes. (And if it doesn’t work, we’ve always found carbs to be a great comfort when we’re having a cry. So, win-win.)

CLEANING OLD PAINTINGS // Got a Rembrandt or Monet tucked away in storage that could do with a bit of sprucing up? No need for any fancy cleaning products to ditch the accumulated muck and grime – just pick up a loaf of bread from the shops. Gently dabbing the soft, doughy part over the painting will remove any smudges, dust and fingerprints. (Then, grab a soft-bristled paintbrush and carefully clean off any residual crumbs.) This technique also works a treat with grubby photographs, painted walls and countertops.

REMOVING SPLINTERS // Heads up, lumberjacks and carpenters: a loaf of bread can offer more than a mid-morning snack. When a pesky splinter weasels its way into your skin, soak an untoasted slice in warm water or milk, then place it over the punctured spot. Hold it in place until you feel the bread go a bit cold and soggy – it should draw out the painful shard by softening the skin around it. If the splinter is really wedged down deep, attach the bread with a band-aid and try leaving it overnight.

KEEPING STALENESS AT BAY // Given how quickly a loaf of bread can turn into a crusty, tooth-cracking rock, it’s perhaps surprising that it can also be used to stop things in your pantry from getting stale. Pop a slice in your cookie jar or cake tin and its moisture will help keep your baked goods chewy and soft. This trick also works with bags of marshmallows and for loosening sugar that’s dried into hardened clumps.

PICKING UP BROKEN GLASS // Instead of yelling “Taxi!” when someone drops a glass, try reaching for a slice of bread instead. (For practical reasons, but also, that joke was never very funny to begin with – sorry.) First, pick up all the big broken bits with a dustpan and broom, then pat the area down with your gluten-filled friend. The porous texture of the bread will grab hold of any tiny shards left about the place. Just make sure to chuck it in the bin once you’re done, unless you fancy your Vegemite toast with a side of crushed glass.

ABSORBING ICKY ODOURS // There’s nothing quite like the scent of cooking veggies to divide an office or sharehouse at mealtimes. But before you engage in broccoli-inspired warfare, try cooking or reheating with a slice of bread whacked on top. The crumby carb acts like a sponge, soaking up offensive smells before they fill the room. (And if you’re actually quite fond of the cruciferous scent, you could fry the bread after and scoff it with some salt and pepper as a yummy side dish.)

SWEETENING YOUR FEET // Feet feeling a bit crusty? Calluses got you down? That dried up flesh is (apparently) no match for a piece of stale bread soaked in apple cider vinegar. Dunk some old rye

(or wholemeal, or white) in the acidic liquid for a while, then wrap it around the offending area, securing it with glad wrap so it doesn’t leak. The idea is to sleep the night with your tootsie wrapped up tight, then carefully unravel it in the morning. With any luck, the callus will be soft enough to rub away with a pumice stone – or, if you’re lucky, it could be completely gone.