the myth of having it all

AMAL AWAD CALLS BULLSHIT ON THE IDEA OF HAVING IT ALL.

I once had a ‘psychic’ tell me success would come once I’d popped out a few babies. “Spirit wants you to have it all,” she told me brightly, while I shrank back into my seat. “There are three souls waiting for you.”

Three? I mean, fuck. I have severe doubts about psychics in general, especially the ones who channel invisible guides, but lady, read the room. I chose not to dim her enthusiasm by telling her that, while I think rugrats are cute, I wasn’t even sure I wanted a baby, let alone a minivan full of them.

Instead, I played along as she continued to paint my future life, and my future children’s personalities, then left with regret about more than just my unshakeable interest in the mystical forces of life. Something deeper collapsed inside of me. I reflected on how women are spoken to when they’re feeling adrift – the questions are always around what’s missing; how to get all of it and be happy. I thought of how often people query me about when I’m having children, because – wink, wink – it’s not too late. Then I wondered if we’ll ever do away with the idea that a) all women want kids; b) any human being can ‘have it all’, even if they do want kids; and c) ‘having it all’ is actually an appealing concept.

I’ve had my share of internal conflict about not ticking all the boxes. I married relatively late, and outside my heritage. I don’t have a vision board for my ideal property. And I just don’t feel 100 per cent sure about having children of my own. But years of experience has led me to this point, and to ask: who the fuck wants it all? The very thought exhausts me. The essence of it seems unnatural, like having Vegemite without butter.

For me, it counts as a good day if I manage to haul my butt out of bed early enough to catch a gym class and temporarily pretend to be a morning person. A day that begins like that is a day I’m #winning – if it doesn’t end with a mind full of what-ifs and worries and regrets, then I’ve successfully managed a semblance of inner peace. And you know the kinds who not only pulse with the fervent desire to ‘have it all’, but apparently, somehow, seem to manage it? Well, there’s probably so much behind-the-scenes wizardry going on that that person should be nominated for an Oscar.

We’re conditioned to think there’s something wrong with us if our lives don’t match up to those around us. As a result, we’re collectively obsessed with the myth that people should ‘have it all’ to feel complete, and wake up every day without a care in the world. But what if the little things were really the big ones? And having enough in a meaningful way is actually better than having it all?

As someone in what could be considered their mid-life years, I’m navigating more and more with each passing day, yet all I have is a desire to simplify. To cut away the roots and stop watering the weeds. I want a garden, but it doesn’t have to be the biggest one on the block. I’d like to travel, but it doesn’t have to be my #bestlife (though I am of course #grateful that I can do it at all). I need to be there for my ageing parents, and continue to nurture my creative goals. And I need to accept that while I could have done many things differently when I was younger, I didn’t follow the template.

I don’t have it all, but I have plenty, and that suits me just fine.