Burns from the bard:

PICK UP SOME CREATIVE INSULTS FROM SHAKESPEARE’S BACK CATALOGUE.

“Villain, I have done thy mother,” and other handy insults

“I do desire we may be better strangers.” Origin: Admittedly, this line springs from probably the most well-mannered slanging match in literary history, between leading man Orlando and ‘the melancholy Jaques’ in As You Like It. Use it when: It’s time to give someone the old heave-ho, from a toxic pal to that dude on the bus who sits a little too close and smells like boiled eggs. Insult level: 7/10

“You beetle-headed, flap eared knave!” Origin: In a turn of events familiar to anyone who’s ever worked in hospitality, wealthy jerk Petruchio lays into his servant for accidentally spilling some water in The Taming of the Shrew. Use it when: You want to tell someone they’re a bit of a drongo and make beetles feel self-conscious at the same time. Insult level: 5/10

“The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.” Origin: Look, this graphic comment was originally aimed at a pile of stinking laundry in The Merry Wives of Windsor, but we quite fancy it as a human-focused jibe, as well. Use it when: You realise you’re an adult now, and above infantile digs like yelling, “You stink!” (This is especially useful for proving your maturity during family dinners with your parents and grown-up siblings.) Insult level: 6/10

“I am sick when I do look on thee.” Origin: Spare a thought for Helena in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, whose devotion to ex-husband Demetrius is repaid with this stinging burn. Use it when: You’re scraping the bottom of the insult barrel. It’s basically telling someone they’re so ugly they make you sick, which really isn’t cool, to be honest. Insult level: 4/10

“It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” Origin: In a moment of pure nihilism, Macbeth proclaims that life is absurd and nothing has any purpose or meaning. Use it when: Someone on social media is spouting unfounded drivel (aka, all the time), and you’d like to let them know they’re full of shit. Insult level: 7/10

“And thou unfit for any place but hell.” Origin: Lady Anne spits this damning slur at the Duke of Gloucester in Richard III, casually wishing endless torture and madness on his soul. The Duke nails his comeback: “Yes, one place else – your bed chamber.” Oooh. Use it when: Telling someone to “go to hell” doesn’t quite pack the antediluvian punch you need. Insult level: 8/10

“You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!” Origin: Straight out of Henry VI Part 2, this quadruplebarrelled slur can be roughly translated to: “You’re a lowlife, slovenly scoundrel and I’m going to beat you on the backside!” We like the Bard’s version better, though. Use it when: You want to add some fun and colour to the experience of hurling insults at someone. Insult level: 9/10

“Villain, I have done thy mother.” Origin: Quite possibly the first ever ‘your mum’ joke – albeit with less juvenile humour and more adultery and betrayal – taken straight from Shakespearean tragedy Titus Andronicus. Use it when: You find yourself in an unexpected rap battle with hostile literary types. Possibly in the alley behind your local library. Insult level: 8/10