Full of beans:

CHRIS HARRIGAN AND DEIRDRE FIDGE SWAP CAFÉ-BREWED CUPPAS FOR INSTANT COFFEE.

Ditch fancy cafés and give instant coffee a red hot go at home

MOCCONA A HINT OF CARAMEL FLAVOUR-INFUSED COFFEE

It’s been proven that taste is heavily influenced by our sense of smell, so when I peel back the foil on this jar of Moccona, I immediately perform excited backflips (metaphorical, of course – my hips are bung). Man, this coffee smells incredible.

Rich and robust with delicate notes of delicious caramel.

I rub my hands together like a cartoon villain. If taste is 80 per cent smell, surely this is going to be the world’s most amazing coffee? But as soon as I take the first sip – cue sad trombone noises – a wave of disappointment washes over me. What is this bitter, odd-tasting substance? How could my nose betray me like that? Dejected and downhearted, I pour the misleading liquid down the sink. This isn’t a tasty brew, but I remain hopeful that the aromatic grounds can be repurposed for something more pleasant, like potpourri, perhaps, or a DIY perfume paste. DF

JARRAH BRAZILIAN CAFÉ LATTE

According to a marketing tutorial I just watched on Youtube (yes, I do lead an interesting life, thank you for noticing), it’s important to set realistic expectations when advertising a new product. Why the presumably businesssavvy folks at Jarrah decided to market this drink as a “Brazilian Café Latte” and not, say, an instant coffee with a milk-ish aftertaste, is beyond me. As the illustration on the bottle reminds us, a latte isn’t just a milk coffee – it’s a thick, frothy delicacy, often adorned with some needlessly intricate foam pattern. A “Brazilian Café Latte”, by contrast, is like a regular instant coffee with milk solids and sugar: sweet in taste; water-like in texture; perfunctory in its administration of caffeine. As a latte it’s wholly disappointing, but if you like flat (and I mean wafer-thin) flat whites served with a dessert level of sugar, this will do the trick nicely. CH

CLIPPER SUPER SPECIAL ORGANIC DECAF

Decaffeinated coffee gets a bad rap, and causes people to say weird things like, “Decaf is like kissing your sister.” Well, I’ve never kissed my sister directly on the mouth, but we certainly hug from time to time, so I can’t see any harm in having a buzz-free cup of joe. Admittedly, I tend to overdo it when it comes to instant coffee: several heaped teaspoons per cup, downed twice a day (three times if anyone expects me to leave the house after 6pm). But this afternoon calls for a less jittery version of myself, so I give decaf a try. Clipper coffee prides itself on being organic and fair trade, so it already has a tick of approval. But I wonder what the point of decaf actually is. To further stain our teeth without the bonus energy boost? This tastes just like regular old coffee. If kissing your sister is wrong, maybe I don’t want to be right. DF

MOCCONA ROCKY ROAD ROMANCE LATTE

The first thing to know about this diabetes-inducing tipple is that, despite its assertions to the contrary, it is not actually a coffee. My reasoning: a coffee – even an instant one – should contain more than 3 per cent coffee. It should also probably not contain cocoa powder and marshmallow minis, or call itself something like “Rocky Road Romance Latte”. A hot chocolate, on the other hand, would be free to do all of the above, and so I propose a simple rebrand: let us all try a nice hot cup of “Rocky Road Romance Generic Dessert Drink”. (Moccona, let me know who to invoice.) This drink is absurdly sweet, and the marshmallows are a minor choking hazard. On the plus side, the milk powder forms a near-cappuccino-like level of foam, which is both impressive and slightly disconcerting if I start to think about the chemical engineering that probably went into developing that. CH

BLACK & GOLD COFFEE POWDER

When I was at school, kids carrying home-brand food items in their lunchboxes were often mocked – because elitism starts early, apparently. But ‘no-name’ supermarket brands have long been a staple of households on a budget, or who don’t mind a no-nonsense foodstuff (mine included). Admittedly, though, there’s something about tasting the most budget-brand instant coffee that gives even me a moment’s hesitation. Visually, it looks more like MILO than a caffeinated beverage, and the no-frills canister bears a remarkable resemblance to a can of dog food. But when

I sip the brew, I immediately feel ashamed about my superficiality – this is truly the tastiest instant coffee I’ve ever had. Bold yet creamy, it confirms my belief that budget goods are the way of the future. Banish any snobbery you hold towards bottom-shelf grocery staples and embrace the freedom of wallet-friendly flavour! DF

NESCAFÉ GOLD INTENSE

The elusive jar of Nescafé instant coffee is a little like a pack of UNO cards – every household seems to have one, even if nobody remembers buying it. But this golden variety is evidently fancier than your average Blend 43, and even has a shimmering lid to prove it. The capped-up 'INTENSE' provides a warning that I'm about to board a train to Flavourtown, while the back of the label emphasises the “deep coffee notes” contained within the beans - which is great, because nobody wants a shallow note, that’s for darn sure. I brew up a wee cuppa and brace myself, preparing for the intense and powerful mouth-punch I am surely about to receive. But truthfully? This basically tastes like the classic Blend 43 we all know and love. Still, it helps me meet my daily caffeine intake, and the goldtopped jar looks nice on my blue kitchen bench, so let’s call it a win. DF

BUSHELLS CLASSIC COFFEE

The label says this is “gourmet instant coffee”, but in reality, Bushells is a pretty no-frills drink. That isn’t a criticism

– in a market saturated with ‘latte-style’ milk powders and marshmallow add-ons, it’s almost refreshing to find something so straight down the line. I’m pretty anal when it comes to following recipes, so inspect the tin for serving instructions and am shocked to discover there are none. Reluctantly, I decide to experiment – this is a no-frills drink, after all. One teaspoon produces a cup of coffee-like brown water. It’s fine if you don’t really like coffee? Two teaspoons and I’m drinking something pretty close to a service station long black. I’m impressed – maybe this is gourmet instant coffee, after all. Three teaspoons and I begin to vibrate. Do not add four teaspoons unless you want to see through time. Do drink Bushells if you want service station long blacks. CH

ROBERT TIMMS ITALIAN ESPRESSO STYLE COFFEE BAGS

Robert Timms, who I assume is a real person and not some fictional corporate mascot, must have thought he was onto a winner when he came up with these porous coffee satchels. “Bags work well for tea,” he probably exclaimed as he awoke from a fever dream. “By God, they’ll be great for coffee!” I wish I had good news for Mr Timms, but his coffee bags are a far cry from the “Italian espresso style” promised on the packet. I steep mine for the recommended four minutes, and while I’m pleasantly surprised by the coffee-like aroma that greets my nose, my mouth fails to register much at all. The best I can say is that it tastes like good coffee that has been homeopathically diluted down to virtual nothingness. On the plus side, it doesn’t taste like chemicals. Which, given we’re talking about instant coffee here, isn’t nothing. CH