Get it off your chest
CARO COOPER IS RATHER TEED OFF BY SLOGAN-SPORTING SHIRTS.
I try not to judge people; I really do. I don’t care if you want to drop out of life and sculpt dildos out of play-doh. Go for it. Here’s my mailing address. However, when it comes to t-shirts, the moment you splash a funny slogan, ironic joke or sexy message across your chest, I’m Supreme Court judgy.
It should be apparent to most that plain t-shirts are the only appropriate t-shirts for anyone out of a stroller. OK – the occasional band tee or squiggly design is passable, but proud proclamations of how saucy, zany or fun you are? No, you foxy baby. Please no.
First up, the exceptions to my rule, aka times when it’s OK for an adult to have words on their shirt. Say you’re playing a game of football and the ref needs to know whose name to yell and send to the sin bin, or you’re leading a silent protest and, well, you need some way to get your message across with your mouth all taped up. Or it’s part of a uniform and turning up in a plain shirt would have you fired from Barry’s Donut Stand. Then yes, wear that message on your chest. No one wants to piss off Barry.
But a walk down any high street is a full immersion in a dirty salad of bad t-shirts. To start with, there are the bedazzled sexy tees, unsightly for their tight ’90s-style ‘female’ cut – think capped shoulders and highly flammable synthetic blends. The most notable feature, though, is the eye-piercing diamanté armour across the breast, spelling out what I can only assume are the wearer’s finest attributes: popstar, cutie pie, sexy beach, juicy, dreamer, princess, cheeky. Unfortunately, these tops are usually worn by either inappropriately young girls or older women. I know I sound like a prude (maybe I’ll put that on a t-shirt), but does the world really need to know that you’re “single, successful, available”?
From sexy slogans, we travel to the other end of the sartorial spectrum: ironic or joke t-shirts. From wacky wordplay to hijacked corporate slogans, this fashion field is filled with misdirected attempts at bringing a touch of personality to the average jeansand-a-tee uniform. Sure, fashion is personal and you’re a unique angel, but I can’t focus on all the awesome things you’re saying to me because I’m too busy trying to decipher the It-specific, Htmlinspired joke on your chest. Oh, I think I get it now. Wait, nope. I don’t.
Whether handed out for the 2013 office team marathon or at the launch of the new business logo, free promotional t-shirts are the third knife in my cotton-covered side. Admittedly, we’ve all worn that scrappy work tee to bed at one point, usually when sick and half-blind with conjunctivitis, but to wear it out socially is a sign that you have truly resigned yourself to the cog life, and the rapid decline in sexual activity that accompanies it.
Look, there are times when text on tees can bring joy. Like the small boy I saw wearing a shirt that read, “I play guitar in the lonely times”. Good on you for owning that, kiddo. In general, though, shirts that scream, “This is who I am, I’m the sexy gal!” or “I’m the wacky prankster!” seem not only unsightly, but half-hearted. In the words of every writing teacher ever, Show, don’t tell. If you’re really a princess, where’s your security detail? Want people to think you’re a fox? Start eating carrion and killing chickens. The prankster? Don that jester hat and juggle some goddamn balls. Don’t do it by half. Go all out. And maybe you’ll find that being a princess, or a fox, or talking only in binary code is not all your bedazzled t-shirt made it out to be. Maybe you should just “namastay in bed” after all.