THE NATURAL FAMILY CO. NATURAL TOOTHPASTE

Packaged in rustically decorated cardboard, this is the kind of toothpaste that tells you the shine of your teeth is important, but not as important as the wholeness of your chakra. (It then whispers something about vaccines and moves on.) The product boasts the “fresh taste of native river mint”, which is somewhat of a revelation to me. I had no idea there was a river somewhere in Australia that flowed with toothpaste. I suppose what they say about fluoride in the water is true. Perhaps I’ve wandered too far from God, but the second I squeezed the paste out of the tube, I found myself longing for the beautiful innovation of artificial chemicals. The slight mint taste does little to counteract the strange consistency of the paste. In my opinion, with all due respect and all deserved poetry, this felt yuck. I hate nature now.