MACLEANS EXTREME CLEAN TOOTHPASTE

This tube should really come with a can of hairspray and some leg warmers. I didn’t realise you could still get triple-striped toothpaste – green, white and aqua, in this case. As far from the organic types as you could possibly get, it does contain fluoride in among all the unpronounceable chemicals – and for the weaker-toothed among us, that’s not a bad thing. Macleans makes a lot of promises on its intense blue foil box: extreme clean! Bam! Pow! Up to eight times longer-lasting fresh feeling! Shazam! Three times smaller cleaning microcrystals! Double the cleaning performance! It’s hard to tell whether this is toothpaste or a toilet cleaner. The paste is the old-school foamy, minty type that burns in that ‘hell yes, I’m clean’ kind of way. It’s made by Glaxosmithkline, though, which rates poorly on palm oil use, so a musty mouth is probably a more ethical option.