CLASSIC REDHEADS MATCHES

For centuries, humankind has been trying to improve how we take a shit. From the advent of bum-wiping in our distant prehistory through to the invention of indoor flushing toilets, pinching one off has always been a practice guided by innovation. I humbly submit that striking a match after the event deserves to be recognised as one of our most effective interventions to date. It neutralises odour. You get to play with an open flame. The wood smoke smell calls to mind the experience of shitting downwind from an open campfire, perhaps in a hole in the forest, lending the process a natural and earthy atmosphere. Unlike floral or citrus-scented options, it won’t ruin the smell of flowers or fruit for you. It’s also by far the cheapest of the products I tested, clocking in at 3.2 cents per use. Unless you live with small children or arsonists, there’s really no good reason to use anything else.