LEAVE YOUR SHOES ON
Wearing shoes is one thing that really sets us apart from animals. Except for the horse, of course… and ponies, for that matter. OK sure, also dogs with sensitive paws that have to wear booties when it rains. But my point still stands: footwear provides us with added protection and versatility of movement. Shoes are great! Why wouldn’t we wear them all the time? (Don’t answer that – if I genuinely wanted to listen to an incorrect opinion I’d read the other side of this debate.)
We’ve all encountered households that have a ‘no shoes inside’ rule. Let’s be honest, it’s inconvenient – winter boots have to be laced through so many eyelets you’d be hunched over for an hour just taking them off. And do any of us really want to prolong a goodbye by stooping down for ages while our friends hover nearby, politely holding the door open? If mi casa really is su casa, my loafers are staying put.
Aside from being time-consuming, shoe removal disrupts the entire vibe of an outfit – and this is coming from someone deeply unfashionable, so you know it’s true. It completely ruins the start of an evening if you’ve dressed up for a dinner party, only to have to slide off your heels or clogs. Instead of the sexy strut you envisioned, you’re awkwardly padding around the house looking half-dressed. Why not just go to the party in a bathrobe and face mask?
Before you assume I’m dirty and lazy, please know only the latter is true. I always wipe my hooves thoroughly before entering anyone’s home – sometimes for so long and with such force that my friends think I’m doing a particularly enthusiastic Running Man. But of course everyone must wipe their soles before entering – are we animals?! (No, we are not, as outlined earlier.) Frankly, if a small speck of dirt is tracked into a house, the onus falls on the host for not having a top-quality mat. Bristles, folks – we need bristles.
Wearing shoes indoors provides one bleeding obvious benefit: foot support! Contrary to popular belief among firewalkers, our feet are delicate and precious commodities, and must be protected thusly. If we don’t start looking after our arches, our ankles will suffer. And as the wise adage goes: the ankle bone’s connected to the knee bone, the knee bone’s connected to the hip bone, the hip bone… well, I could go on, but shan’t. Essentially, protecting our feet at all times will ensure top-notch foot health! We all want to be the old people jogging along the beach, not the ones seated on a worn chair gazing sadly outside, cursing their former selves and setting their ‘shoes off please’ sign on fire.
An odd thing I’ve noticed is that wearing runners indoors makes me more active and far more likely to do chores around the house. Clean the bathroom? No worries, I’m already jogging there! Bring in the washing? Absolutely, I literally could not be more prepared! The act of wearing shoes inside is akin to getting showered and dressed when working from home: it tricks the mind into thinking it’s time to be productive. Test this theory out for yourselves – pop on your runners and see. (Then thank me later, when your kitchen is sparkling clean and your lawns are mowed.)
Finally, friends, the most important benefit of wearing shoes indoors is that it means you’re ready for action at any moment. Anxious? Paranoid? No, simply prepared to fight or flee. If there’s a zombie outbreak or sudden attack of wasps, I’ll be the guy sprinting down the street while you foolish bare-footers stumble over rocks or snag your embarrassingly delicate slippers on a stick. BYE.