BURT’S BEES CHAMPAGNE LIP SHIMMER

Like any other 30-something male, I love a gala event – or at least, the idea of one – so it should come as no surprise that I was delighted to sample this ‘champagne’ lip shimmer. Upon application, I’m transported to a world of canapés and scintillating conversation around an ice-carved swan. I compliment my gracious hosts while making a witty quip at the expense of a fellow guest, TV’S Kelsey Grammer, then apply yet another delicious champagne layer. The night takes a sour turn, however, when Chloë Sevigny points out that, as the lip balm is made outside the Champagne region of France, it is at best a sparkling white lip shimmer. Mortified, I push Martin Scorsese to the ground in a fit of rage, before dramatically storming from the building. I’m suddenly feeling peckish, so I fumble around my pockets, only to find the very lip balm that has caused me so much embarrassment. I eat the entire thing, and it’s delicious.