Entrées, explained
DON’T GET FRASER HARVEY STARTED ON CHOOSING STARTERS.
Walking into a restaurant and ordering a meal can seem simple enough, but it’s an experience riddled with landmines in the form of small plates served before a slightly larger plate (often referred to as the main course). Atop those small plates – or in extreme cases/the 1970s, cocktail glasses – sits the entrée or ‘starter’. What you may not realise is that your choice of opening bite will set you up to be judged by your dining companions, as well as the entire restaurant staff. Allow me to explain.
PRAWN COCKTAIL There are two types of people who are into prawn cocktails: those who know they’re terrible but still love them, and those who love them but don’t know they’re terrible. Either way, the prawn cocktail person is my kind of person to eat with: a connoisseur of kitsch and unmatched acquirer of souvenir spoons. Expect dynamic conversation and, more often than not, answers to your questions that will only have you asking more questions.
OYSTERS If they’re ordering oysters, they’re here to fuck. Can’t say it any clearer, folks. Or they just like oysters, I dunno. That is also a possibility, so please don’t take my word for it. Especially if you’re dining with relatives. But the assumption is fuckin’. Oysters are also underrated for their minimal faff – I really respect an entrée that
only requires a head tilt and an open mouth to enjoy. Do I wish I’d phrased that better? Yes, but here we are. SALAD What a waste of everyone’s time. And I say that as a salad enthusiast! Granted, salads have come a long way, but they’re rarely fried, which – let’s be honest – is the true reason we order entrées. The salad orderer wants you to notice the fresh and crispy dish sitting across from the fried block of cheese you ordered. When it arrives, they’ll glance around to see if anyone in the restaurant saw, then gesture as if to say, “What a great salad.” You’ll despise them for the rest of the dinner for showing both restraint and repulsive smugness.
SOUP Soup can really go a number of ways, based on the wellestablished soup hierarchy I’ve decided on in my head just now. Minestrone, chicken and corn – all that stuff is a waste of time. You don’t go out to order those soups; you eat them at home, alone, in shame. French onion? It’s fine, but a pedestrian choice. Soup is a real non-committal meal and a staple of the ‘I’ll just dip my toe in’ type of person. Ever seen someone drink a hot drink while eating a warm soup, or a cold drink while slurping down gazpacho? You have to wonder what’s going through their mind; and lucky you, you have the rest of the meal to find out! ARANCINI Ordering arancini balls is odd practice for several reasons. First of all, we’re no longer in the period between 2004 and 2011. But also, this is an unwise thing to eat before eating other things! It’s heavy and stodgy and, while admittedly delicious, quickly becomes a regrettable choice as you clutch at your stomach, realising you’ve over-committed. There’s a chance the person ordering arancini balls is doing so to prove they can correctly pronounce ‘arancini balls’. This is a display of worldliness that frankly, nobody wants or needs.
NO ENTRÉE Wow, they really don’t want to be there. I hate to say it, but unless you’re all in a hurry to make a movie on time, the no-entrée person is furious that you’ve ordered an entrée, because it’s added an extra 25 to 35 minutes onto an evening they’d hoped they wouldn’t have to attend at all.