Road test

CARO COOPER AND FRASER HARVEY DOODLE ABOUT WITH A PLETHORA OF PENS.

BIC 4 COLOUR RETRACTABLE BALLPOINT PEN

I have a confession. I never got my pen licence. My handwriting was, and remains, abysmal. Somehow, probably due to poor teacher-to-student ratios in Queensland, I got away with using pens anyway. Screw the system, right? One of the first pens I yearned for was this: a four-colour BIC. The fancy kids had them and that satisfying click of changing colours echoed through the classroom – a kick in the teeth to us single-colour pen kids. This pen is beautiful in the way 1970s architecture is beautiful: it’s functional, slightly futuristic, bold. Ugly and bold, which is sort of how I’d describe my aesthetic. The pen writes fine, but the ink is not the point. It’s the convenience and the look – the power. When I was younger, the top of the pen was just a plastic ball, good for chewing on. Now it’s a plastic loop perfect for attaching to a necklace or string. After all, this is not a pen you want to lose. CC

MILAN SWAY RETRACTABLE BALLPOINT PEN

Consider this an open letter to the president of MILAN pens, demanding answers as to what exactly has gone on here. This is a masterclass in how to throw the design rulebook out the window and say, “Who cares, let’s just make something!” It should be noted at the top that this is a red pen – not that you can tell, because the outside is coloured somewhere between pink and a coral/peach. Can you imagine being in the throes of trying to make an important manuscript correction, losing valuable seconds as you hesitate over which colour ink is going to come out of this pen? I’d rather not, and I’m already feeling sick about the whole scenario, quite frankly. The other main issue here is the size of the pen: it’s very short and stumpy, which does perhaps explain why it’s trying to overcompensate with a big personality, a wacky shape and a pretentious model name like ‘Sway’. FH

BIC CRISTAL BALLPOINT PEN

As the industry-standard ballpoint pen, the BIC is great for a few key reasons – most notably the fact that you never, ever have to buy one. BIC pens are only ever stolen, or acquired from a seminar you were forced to attend a few months back. After their initial (and often only) use, they then live exclusively in the fringes: glove boxes, under couches, at the bottom of drawers, always ready to be discovered, then almost instantly forgotten about again. Owing to a similar half-life as Uranium-235, this biro will continue to work indefinitely – BIC Cristal ballpoints will be found for thousands of years, even after production has long ceased. Cultures in the future will study them as some kind of necessary element to life in these times. Carried by all, the BIC pen will be seen as a great social leveller, too, bringing people from all walks of life together via needing to quietly utter, “Shit, I forgot a pen, have you got a spare?” FH

UNI-BALL EYE MICRO ROLLERBALL PEN

Who needs a green pen? Ever. Really? Accountants and teachers need red. Lawyers need blue. The rest of us need black or whatever we can find down the side of the couch. But green? I’m glad it exists, but I think it’s doomed to suffer a lifelong existential crisis. Admittedly, so am I, so maybe we belong together. This pen has a classic utilitarian vibe. Sleek, metallic body with plastic tips and a metal pocket clip that is bound to impress. (Impress who exactly? Don’t ask questions.) The handy window on the side of the chassis lets you know just how much ink you have left, so you can plan ahead and never, ever run out of green. While the pen writes smoothly, the nib is a little too fine for my unlicensed hand, and my words come out like chicken scratches on the page. It could just be that I’m an amateur and this is a pen for licensed professionals only. CC

STABILO POINT 88 FINELINER

I’m not quite sure why, but somewhere around the age of 15 or 16 when I first saw the STABILO point 88 pen, I immediately assumed it would be the pen of choice for German architects. More alarmingly, that presumption has stayed with me for the past 20 years, based on absolutely nothing but its precise, no-nonsense design, which features a lid the same shape as the body of the pen, and as an extra-nice touch, the same colour as the ink inside. Yes, it writes great and everything, but whenever I put pen to paper with one of these, in my mind I’m German. Instantly, I feel more efficient and hum along to Kraftwerk as I switch between protractors in a quest to draw the perfect façade. An advantage of the felt tip, too, is that it forces you to get your idle hand moving lest you’re left with a large ink splotch that says, “I have no idea what I’m doing.” How very un-german. FH

PENTEL LIQUID GEL INK PEN

I’ve always had an aversion to these pens in the past, because they seem like they’re trying to be a little too much: too bulky, too over-designed, too self-important. They’ve just never been my thing. But now, writing with this purple gel ink, I can see the advantages for the first time in my life. This is the kind of pen I can picture myself using to sign off on my second divorce. The grip is so comfortable, I could gel-roll my initials onto thousands of legal documents – just like my soon-to-be-ex-wife will roll her eyes at my witty, divorce-related quips! Good luck with your new husband, Sonya; I hear he uses cheap, uncomfortable pens! Soon afterwards, I’ll find myself eating alone in a food court, while enjoying a Sudoku with the Rolls-royce of pens. Does life get any better? Probably, if I could finish this puzzle, but honestly, it’s a bit hard and I’ve already moved on to drawing moustaches on people in the paper. FH

PILOT G-2 07 RETRACTABLE GEL PEN

The Pilot G-2 07. It’s a grandiose name for what looks like a pretty standard retractable writing implement. A notable feature of this ballpoint pen, though, is the suspension in the spring. There’s some real force required to push the inky nib out and some serious power behind it when it retracts. It makes the kind of resonant ‘click’ noise that could drive a colleague to distraction quite quickly. Yes, looks are deceiving with this pen – it appears to be a stock-standard, dull blue biro, but in reality, it’s a real darling to write with. It has a truly smooth gel-pen feel, a nice rubbery cushion for my pre-arthritic knuckles to rest on, and a satisfying click that is ideal for dramatically signalling the end of the work day. The curved pocket clip adds a dash of spice to any outfit, too. When it comes to the Pilot G-2 07, don’t hold back. CC

ARTLINE SMOOVE BALLPOINT PEN

I instantly disliked this pen because it’s called Artline Smoove. I’ve always struggled when people pronounce ‘th’ as ‘v’ or ‘f’. I look at the poor pen and all I can think is, “I need free of vese smoove pens.” It’s not fair to judge a pen by the marketing department that named it, though. It is fair to judge it by its cheap plastic exterior and its average, pale red ink. There’s little to say about this pen beyond the fact you’ll probably only ever hold one after being gifted it free at a conference, or when helping a year-10 teacher mark exams. The top of the pen barely holds up to an hour of anxious chewing, and any pen of mine has to have at least a full work day’s worth. As for the ink, I felt like I was doing all the heavy lifting, really forcing it across the page. This is the kind of pen that can make even beautiful handwriting look scrappy. CC