Marooned on Love Island
I HAVE a confession to make: I’m something of a snob when it comes to my television viewing.
The more prestigious a “prestige TV” production, the more likely I am to give it a whirl. English accents? Complex themes and subtext? Subtitles? Oh, yeah, count me in.
Lately, though, the high-end small-screen shows on offer are feeling more like an endurance test than an entertaining evening on the couch.
Take the teen melodrama 13 Reasons Why, for example. I’m a few decades beyond the target audience for this morose saga but I figured I should tune in for one or two episodes to suss out what the kids are into nowadays.
Grimness. That’s what the kids are into nowadays. Grimness and despair.
And it’s not much rosier once you grow up, it seems.
I’ve been too chicken to check out the new season of The Handmaid’s Tale after running into people who have the glassy-eyed appearance and shell-shocked demeanour of trauma patients after watching the most recent episodes of the dystopian drama that presents a future that’s downright nightmarish for women.
Given that highbrow stuff generally seems too depressing to deal with these days, can you blame me for beating a hasty retreat to the other end of the spectrum?
Yes, when things are grey and dire, it’s time to board a plane for a more welcoming destination, where the weather is warm and the company is hot. It’s time to hightail it to Love Island Australia.
Some of you may never have heard on this veritable Garden of Eden, but I’m going to assume that most of you will have caught the somewhat racy promos for Nine’s upcoming reality-romance series, premiering tomorrow night.
(And, yes, it’s advised that you take both “reality” and “romance” with a grain of salt.)
So, you’re undoubtedly familiar with the spectacle of host Sophie Monk, still riding the love train after her stint at The Bachelorette, leading a shapely, spray-tanned variety of hunks and spunks to the Spanish island of Mallorca where they’ll pair off and … well, get it on, probably.
“The cast are the hottest human beings I’ve ever seen in my life,” Monk exclaimed in promoting Love Island Australia. “I’m going to have to strap down my muffin top with a few pairs of Spanx!”
Never change, Sophie Monk. Never change.
Of course, there’s more to the show than 10 scantily-clad hotties mixing it up in tropical locations. Viewers will eventually be given the chance to vote for their favourite couple, and the last pair standing has the opportunity to win a cash prize or walk away empty-handed.
There’s a chance we’ll care about them by the time the show reaches its climax. Maybe.
But right now, the fun is in learning a bit about the people taking part in Love Island Australia by way of their profiles on the show’s website. Take Eden, a chap who prefers skinny dips to long walks on the beach (hey, who doesn’t?) and stresses that anyone he dates “must have big boobs, big booty, some lip fillers, all round good body”. Or Erin, who has a fascinating tattoo taking up a large part of her midsection. But maybe that was Natasha, who says “having a boat would be a plus” for any potential partner. These two do look very similar. Brace yourself for confusion. Grant is a self-described larrikin. Millie calls herself “a bit spicy”. And Tayla wants to find someone who loves her for who she is, not what she looks like on Instagram. Love Island Australia premieres 8.30pm tomorrow on digital channel 9Go! I’m not one to make rash predictions but it’s going to win a trillion Logies next year.