Giving Mum some birthday resent

AS an only child, I’m used to being seen as the number one by my mum.

That doesn’t make me a mummy’s boy, but I do know where I should be sitting in my mum’s eyes … well at least in theory, anyway.

On Friday I copped a cold, hard truth … I’m not Mum’s number one anymore.

And, boy, am I really, really dirty about it.

Friday was Mum’s 64th birthday, and as expected social media was flooded with best wishes.

I took the time out to write what was a heartfelt post, using a great photo of Mum and I from my wedding.

Admittedly, I reminded her of the time she turned 40 and decided to leave me at home with a babysitter while she went out and partied. Not that that hurt me or anything.

I noticed Mum had put up a few pictures on Facebook from her birthday travels with Dad.

In her post she mentioned the only way her day would get better would be if Holly and I were there.

This is true. We are better company than Dad. To my shock, however, Mum had mentioned Holly first. Surely the number one son, apple of your eye, can-do-no-wrong child should be the first one mentioned in such a post? I was stunned. Angry. Surely I’ve done more in my 30 years for Mum than this Johnny-come-lately who has married into this esteemed family? Now, I get that Holly is great. I wouldn’t have married her otherwise. But to swan in and take my crown so soon? Well, that was the biggest shock I’ve had in years. Instantly I replied to Mum’s post telling her in no uncertain terms to “get stuffed”. It’s not all a one-way street. You know, I’ve eaten plenty of her meals that have been substandard.

I’d never tell her that to her face. Always pumping up her tyres so she’d feel on top of the world.

I’d sit there and quickly swallow the “food” and tell her it was delicious. Not any more! Public service announcement: Your lamb koftas taste like charcoal!

You’re going to have to deal with a new son from now on.

The type that sits second on the rung of favourite people.

So … I hope you had a great birthday, “Mum”.

Shame you didn’t choke on your cake!