Family matters
I MET my better half’s rather large family recently and no one could have prepared me for the feeling of connection I experienced by spending an afternoon in a room full of people I didn’t know.
Although I was nervous initially, that dissolved the minute we said hello and you couldn’t shut me up for the next few hours.
I’d never felt such a connection with “in-laws” before; not only from the point of view of acceptance, but the commonality we shared in our values, humour and curiosity.
Feeling accepted is the key. And that goes for everyone, particularly people who are related. People estranged from their families are often the ones who struggle the most to navigate the intricacies of life.
That’s not to say families can’t be awful, and working through the issues can take a lifetime of dedication. And if the family is not dedicated to repairing itself, then it simply withers on the vine.
My family is tiny. When Dad died last year my immediate family was halved; just my beautiful stepmother left to hold the fort as it were, looking after her elderly parents and filling the role of both parents to me, an only — and 41-yearold — child.
My mother died when I was in preschool and I’ve been a stepchild for as long as I can remember. Now it’s just the two of us and, since I’m not a breeder, this clan of ours will be resigned to the annals of history once she and I see out this life.
I’ve got plenty of extended family abroad, but the Australian contingent, all of the step variety, is fewer than 10 people.
You can imagine how excited we are that my step-cousin is pregnant and life will breathe once more into our ageing and shrinking extended family unit.
Family is everything, and the older I get the more I realise this to be true.
So much of the decay in our society can be traced back to the demise of family values and the reduced time families spend together, both to engage and simply solve problems.
I might be going out on a limb here but I would contend ALL families are more dysfunctional than ever as financial pressures, increased use of technology and time constraints keep families apart.
Teachers are often left to bring up children as absent parents’ lives are consumed by the busyness that everyone seems to suffer from these days.
Society is pulling kids away from their families more and more, as parents are forced to use childcare centres and creches to look after ever-younger kids — and babies — while they work or play.
Families are more disparate and gone are the days where every family had a nearby grandparent to babysit.
Add into the mix that some families barely speak, except to communicate necessity, and you find yourself in the perfect storm of social destruction.
I’d love to know how many families sit down together for dinner every night, sans devices.
I’d also love to know how many families take it upon themselves to have proper conversations, raise grievances and sort out blocks that impinge on their unity.
Families take work. People who are related often treat each other with less respect, which is so bizarre considering how important they should be to each other.
Perhaps that’s the problem. We assume our family will always be there, always in our corner, so we take them for granted, much to the chagrin of people who have no family at all.
Of course, let’s not forget that often it is our family that has caused our emotional issues, and that confronting those demons can cause intense discomfort.
No one wants to blame someone they love for psychological trauma, especially if they aren’t at the same time willing to shoulder any blame for their own behaviour.
Change begins at home, yet people spend so much time trying to fix society’s problems — living such a busy, outward-looking life — that they neglect to look inward at themselves and their kin.
Families are complex beasts. But they’re OUR complex beasts and should be treasured.
Putting true value on our family means getting to the crux of tensions and bringing old hurts to the surface.
It also means putting family first, seeing the value of each other’s lives and taking the time to relate. They aren’t called relations for no reason.
Life is about making connections. And you feel alive when connecting with family — even if it’s a room full of smiling strangers who are willing to welcome you with open arms.