Family foibles

FOR many people, having a traditional celebration with extended family is one of the most joyous aspects of Christmas, especially if there are rare opportunities to get together as a larger group.

However, this is not always the case.

For many families there might be at least some aspects that are less joyous. This might include stress around preparations and perhaps some lingering conflict with one or more family members or in-laws.

For some people, the thought of attending family gatherings at Christmas is associated with a sense of dread. As a therapist, this is especially the case if people have experienced significant childhood trauma, perhaps including severe and prolonged physical, sexual or emotional abuse at the hands of their parents.

Sometimes clients wish to discuss whether they might best not have any contact with their parents, or a sibling, at all. This may be more complicated when they have children. Even if they might prefer to have no contact themselves, they might think it unfair to prevent their children knowing their extended family.

I generally respond that there are considerable advantages to people maintaining family connections. This particularly includes a benefit for our sense of history and identity. Our families figure strongly in providing a context for our lives. It is normal to have a degree of conflict. In most cases, people benefit from being able to forgive others, especially for more minor transgressions.

However, there are rare times when it seems not only understandable, but wise, for people to limit or discontinue contact with families. This can be difficult, as it goes against our usual cultural expectations.

Sometimes the child abuse was so severe or prolonged, or the ongoing contact is so undermining and invalidating, that no contact at all is preferable. I have known many adults who suffered significant abuse by their parents who only arrived at this conclusion after a long period of suffering.

If parents have sexually abused their children, or have been severely physically or emotionally abusive to them, they have forfeited the right to expect the culturally traditional contact. This is not to suggest adult children should never have contact with such parents, but they certainly would be justified in having the choice to not have contact.

I saw a couple of clients who did very well over six months or so of psychological therapy for childhood physical and emotional abuse who then relapsed badly after having further contact with their parents around Christmas. Their grievance was commonly not only in relation to the primarily abusive parent, but also the other parent who failed to stop the abuse happening.

I can recall several clients who made a fuller recovery after being more determined to have minimal contact with their parents in future. Christmas might be associated with an archetypal story of love and sacrifice, but this does not mean that people should inevitably sacrifice their own interests and wellbeing to meet social expectations. When conflict or past abuse is somewhat less severe, but ongoing relationships continue to be undermining or invalidating, it often helps for people to actively contain otherwise distressing contact with their parents or siblings.

People may use strategies such as only visiting family members in a neutral place where it is easy to make an exit at any time. They might commit beforehand to only visiting for a short period. They might have a small Christmas with their own family and meet with the wider family only on a different day.

It helps when partners have a good understanding of the historical conflicts and will actively support their partner in being prepared with such strategies. The support from an understanding partner is one of the most healing experiences for those who have endured past abuse.

For those of us who enjoy good family relationships, this is something for which to be especially grateful. Positive family relationships are a boon for our physical and mental health. Those who have been able to forgive others’ foibles and previous poor behaviour can benefit from belonging to a larger family group with the support to one’s identity that this can provide.

For most, we might appreciate the joys of Christmas even more when we recognise that these joys are by no means universal.

Chris Mackey is a fellow of the Australian Psychological Society. Free resources about mental health and wellbeing can be found at chrismackey.com.au/ resources