NOBODY ASKED ME, BUT …
WITH a tip of the cap to the late, great New York sportswriter Jimmy Cannon: Nobody asked me, but … The guy who decided golf courses have to be immaculate was missing the point of the game.
A lot of eyes narrow when Colin Montgomerie enters a European Tour locker room.
Tiger Woods losing the 54-hole lead at the 2009 US PGA Championship to Y.E. Yang was the golf equivalent of Ali McGraw’s first cough in “Love Story”.
Stacy Lewis saying Royal Melbourne “doesn’t reward good shots” might be the dumbest-ever comment by a really good golfer.
Everyone goes on about the awful re-design of Wentworth’s West course when the horrible truth is it wasn’t that good to begin with.
No one from any kind of minority background is ever going to feel comfortable at Augusta National Golf Club.
I’ve never met anyone from the United States who can properly pronounce “Edinburgh”. Not even Jack Nicklaus. Ryder Cup courses in Europe have been mediocre at best – awful at worst – since 1981 at Walton Heath.
Annika Sorenstam was once a truly great golfer. Now she is a truly awful golf commentator.
Not liking the Old Course at St Andrews is fine. Not trying to understand it is unforgivable.
With the possible exceptions of Nick Price and Sandy Lyle, every No.1 in the world has had a sharp edge to his personality.
Golf at the highest level is diminished by modern club-and-ball technology.
Continuing to allow all-male clubs to host the Open Championship is impossible to justify.
Women golfers don’t putt and chip as well as men. They just don’t.
Although it says “United States” on Tiger Woods’ passport, his homeland is money.
When signing autographs it is better to be Lydia Ko than Thidapa Suwannapura. Anyone who doesn’t love the way Seve Ballesteros played golf is not a golfer.
I don’t have a problem with single-sex clubs, per se. Just don’t ask me to join one.
If we started over tomorrow, the stuffed shirts at the R&A and the USGA would not be making the rules for the rest of us. On days when shots spend more time on the ground than in the air, golf is a better, more interesting game. Tour caddies are ridiculously over-paid. I never met a Tour caddie lacking in confidence.
The golfer who makes it a point to tell you how much each item of his clothing cost is seldom well-dressed.
Being able to listen gracefully is necessary for member-guest popularity.
The best feeling in golf is when, at address, you know – just know – the putt is going in.
Golfers who address me as “pal”,“buddy” or “mate” have a hard time making me any of the three. The LPGA Tour has one too many majors every year. Maybe two.
“Double eagle” is the second silliest phrase in golf.
“Hole location” is the silliest – pedantry at its worst.
“Full-time” amateurs are not really amateurs at all.
With few exceptions, golf movies are rubbish. Watching one on a plane, I’m always tempted to walk out.
“Caddyshack” isn’t funny at all. I wouldn’t watch if it was playing on my eyelids.
Professional golfers who cheat are thieves. Amateur golfers who cheat are hilarious. Headcovers on irons look ridiculous. Steel spikes are so much better than soft spikes. Bald golfers should never wear visors. The golfer who talks about his round for more than ten minutes is someone you need to get away from. Pro-ams are awful, unwatchable things. Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer I ever saw – and the biggest disappointment. An Open Championship in England only counts as half a major.
I liked match play better when you could go in off your opponent’s ball. Bring back the stymie. Stroke play only becomes interesting when it turns into match play.
“The Big Easy” (Ernie Els) is the biggest lie in golf since “The Merry Mex” (Lee Trevino).
No golfer mauls the English language more than Boo Weekley.
With few exceptions, golf commentators on television function as publicity men (and women), not reporters.
On the course, pencils belong behind conveniently located ears.
I have many collective nouns for marshals at golf tournaments. Few are complimentary.
With one major victory to their collective name, England’s “golden” generation (Luke Donald, Justin Rose, Lee Westwood, Ian Poulter, Paul Casey) should be downgraded to silver. The trouble with the world rankings is that there aren’t nearly enough world players.
The club professional is a dying breed and the PGA is a dying organisation. The European Tour needs a new name, one more in line with its geographical range. Yardage markers are an unnecessary addition to any hole. Courses with cart paths can’t host majors. In the majors, 3-irons should be compulsory. No round should ever last more than three hours and 15 minutes.