THE GOOD PARTNER TEST Answer “Yes”, “Could do better” or “No” to the following:


I freely admit when I am wrong.

I can apologise fully, without being prompted or having an agenda. I show my remorse in both my words and actions.

I have my own independen­t interests and friendship­s, and I make time for them. I am happy for my partner to do the same – and encourage them to do so.

I’m fun to be with. I can be upbeat, have a laugh and share a dumb in-joke with my partner. I am not perpetuall­y gloomy. (You get a leave pass here if you are depressed or struggling with mental illness, but you don’t get one if you are not actively working on your di iculties. It’s not fair on partners or families to leave your recovery to chance.)

I’m not a Drama Queen or King. I don’t overreact (too often). I am consistent­ly able to manage my emotional reactions. If my partner were looking over my shoulder while I do this test, they would agree with me.

I agree with my partner over the time we each spend on our devices and recreation­al activities (including alcohol, drugs, porn, gaming, sex, social media and spending money). If we don’t agree, I’m working on my part of it!

My go-to conflict resolution style is reasonable. I usually settle an argument in a fair and healthy way. (Note: Storming out, giving the silent treatment, vanishing into your emotional cave for two days, withholdin­g sex and picking over issues endlessly aren’t healthy strategies.)

I (mostly) keep our relationsh­ip in the present. I don’t repeatedly bring up old wounds or past conflicts. I don’t compare my partner with someone from my past.

I make an e ort, physically, emotionall­y and socially. I do chores. I do my share with the kids (if we have them). I talk. I listen. I attend important events. I’m nice to my partner’s key people. I don’t wait for my partner to come up with all the domestic and social ideas, or “organise” me and, if I do, I don’t complain about my busy schedule.

I share the emotional load with my partner. I give at least as much as I take. I talk to them about their worries. I ask how I could be more supportive (and I try to do it).

I’m dependable. I do what I say I’ll do, I’ll be where I say I am, and I’m a reliable sounding board for my partner when they are struggling.

I’m generous. With my time, energy and attention. I give at least as much to the relationsh­ip as I get.

I support my partner’s hopes and dreams, but not to the point of martyrdom. I know I deserve support for mine, too.

My relationsh­ip standards are fair. I don’t expect my partner to be a super-hero or heroine, and/or to meet all my needs. I’m able to function well independen­tly.

I treat and speak to my partner with the same respect I show friends, people at work or in other settings. I treat my partner as I like to be treated.

My partner always feels safe with me. Physically, sexually and emotionall­y.

I don’t play games. I don’t manipulate, abuse, gaslight, control or criticise my partner excessivel­y. (Note: This is a trick question. People who do these things won’t admit to them anyway, and they’d never take a “stupid” relationsh­ip quiz.)

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