JOEL BENNETTS

TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD, JOEL BENNETTS WAS A SUCCESSFUL CHEF, LEADING A POPULAR BONDI RESTAURANT AND FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS. HE WORKED HARD AND PLAYED HARD. FEW PEOPLE REALISED BENNETTS WAS IN THE GRIPS OF A VICIOUS ADDICTION AND SPIRALLING OUT OF CONTROL. NOW, NEARLY A YEAR SOBER, BENNETTS SHARES HOW HE TURNED HIS LIFE AROUND.

The reality was, I was bending two or three days a week; sometimes I was snorting cocaine until 10am. I’d put my head down on my pillow for 20 minutes, I’d have an ice-cold shower to try to wake up, I’d smother my eyes in Clear Eyes, and then I’d walk up Bondi Road with big black sunnies and go into a 10-hour shift, serving hundreds of people. I was still performing – every plate was close to perfect.

Now that I think about it, I probably gained that not-so-admirable skill of working under the influence, or performing under the influence, when I was a young chef. There’s no blame here – I knew I could do it or not, and I chose to do it. I was plating award-winning food, stoned off my head, to perfection. I guess I’ve carried that confidence in the kitchen. It just got too much.

In March last year we were meant to fly to India for a gap year. I had handed in my notice at Peppe’s, we’d given our lease up, put our stuff in storage and had our bags packed. So instead, we went down to South Australia and made wine. The drug use was consistent and it just kept going. It’s very damaging for the soul – damaging for your self-confidence. There’s nothing good that comes out of it. You boost your ego momentarily, and then for the next three days you’re coming down but you’re also like, “let’s do it again”. You’re putting yourself back into that little box of pain.

Coming back to Sydney after having three or four months off work, I jumped straight back into the partying. I was cancelling meetings, it was really ruling my life and it was devastating to everyone around me. Not a lot of people knew that or will know that. But it was so savage. The bank account, the stupid texts to people, the dangerous behaviour.

It was my birthday last year – late October – when I made the decision. We were in the trial phase for Fish Shop. It was a Wednesday, I had a four-day weekend and called a mate and said, “I’ve got a long weekend, let’s celebrate.” So we went to Tamarama rocks, got a bottle of riesling and a bag. People are walking around and we’re bumping cocaine on the rocks in broad daylight.

Being under the influence since I was 17 – whether that’s a beer, a Negroni, an energy drink, cocaine, ketamine, MDMA, acid, whatever it is – there has been something in my system that has stopped me from knowing who I am and getting down to the deep grief. I lost my mum when I was 18, and she was the biggest influence on my career. I grew up from the age of 10 cooking dinner with my mum, that’s the only reason I became a chef, because she shared that gift with me.

That Wednesday afternoon I had a phone call from an amazing friend of mine. She said: “Maybe it’s time to pull back and check yourself, and really think about what it’s doing for you.” I will never forget that phone call.

It wasn’t immediate that I put it into action, but I wrote a letter to myself, stuck it on my wall and started tallying some days. I got two week sober and it was really amazing, then I relapsed. But I’d started going to Narcotics Anonymous – that was the start of my journey to NA, and it’s been amazing. So I made the decision – this is the life I have to live for now.

Positive things started happening and changing. I’ll never know what my journey at Fish Shop would have been like if I continued using drugs. The journey to six months was challenging. It’s still very, very early days, and I still get moments where I want to use – but for now it’s good.

Now, I lead a kitchen with a sober mind, and a sober head, and I’m more inspired than ever. I’ve got an amazing team around me, that can confide in me, and I’m creating an environment in the kitchen – or I hope I am – that is nurturing and open and I talk to every single one of my staff. I think it’s so important that my chefs are aware of the journey that I’ve been on.

I feel so blessed that I’ve made this decision. The most important thing was to learn what I wanted and who I really was, and learn my faults – why I was embarrassed, why I didn’t have confidence in certain aspects, why I thought this substance would give me that. To make a stand was one of the hardest things, but I am very grateful that I am on this journey, and for now it’s one day at a time.