Great Health Guide - - CONTENTS - Leanne Allen

The feel­ing of not be­ing enough can sab­o­tage you & your re­la­tion­ships Leanne Allen

Have you ever no­ticed that feel­ing of ‘not be­ing enough’? It can jump out at you un­ex­pect­edly, or it can sit with you like a heavy feel­ing, a con­stant re­minder that some­thing is just not right. This feel­ing can sab­o­tage you and your re­la­tion­ships. When we be­lieve that we are not enough, we look for ev­i­dence, on an un­con­scious level, that proves that we are right. We am­plify things or mis­read things, turn­ing small things into big things. This leads to ar­gu­ments that did not need to hap­pen, mis­un­der­stand­ings and a con­stant bat­tle to be heard. This can lead to re­sent­ment and anger.

The feel­ing of not be­ing enough can sab­o­tage you & your re­la­tion­ships

In­se­cu­rity can also lead to with­draw­ing from your part­ner, emo­tion­ally and/or phys­i­cally. The thought of ‘there is no point any­way’, pre­vents us from even try­ing to be heard. This pat­tern can be dev­as­tat­ing. On an un­con­scious level, it re­in­forces the be­lief sys­tem that, ‘I am not enough’ or per­haps even that on some other level that, ‘I de­serve this be­cause I am (insert harsh judg­ment of self here)’. Can you imag­ine how dif­fer­ent you would feel if you were to know, deep in your core, that you are in fact enough? Inse­cure be­lief sys­tems start very early in life, usu­ally be­fore the age of seven. As a psy­chol­o­gist and a coach, I can hon­estly say that 100% of peo­ple at some point in their life, go through feel­ings of not be­ing enough.


‘Yes, but….’, and not be­ing able to sim­ply say sorry or own up to mis­takes.

2. At­tack­ing be­hav­iour.

Blam­ing oth­ers, pick­ing on the small things, re­sent­ment.

3. With­drawal.

There’s no point, so I’ll just shut down (stop lis­ten­ing, stop talk­ing, stop en­gag­ing, stop in­ti­macy).

4. Frus­tra­tion.

I just can’t please him/ her.

5. Nag­ging.

The feel­ing that other peo­ple are not up to our stan­dards, re­flects some­thing not right in­side of us. It can be a pro­jec­tion of not feel­ing in con­trol, or it can be high judge­ment of our part­ner. But please re­mem­ber, in re­la­tion­ships where do­mes­tic vi­o­lence is present, this is not the same, as the abu­sive part­ner is ex­ert­ing his/her power over the other. It is the abu­sive part­ner who feels ‘not enough’, although they would never openly ad­mit to that with­out help. When we feel like we are not enough, we start to see that in oth­ers too. Our part­ner is a mir­ror to us. Just be­cause th­ese be­liefs start early does not mean that we are stuck with them, it just means that we need to work on them.

WHAT CAN I DO? 1. Start by notic­ing your thoughts.

If any­one else in the world spoke to you like that, would you ac­cept it?

2. Give your judge a silly name.

‘There goes my judge Flicka again, she is so mean!’

3. Get pro­fes­sional help.

Learn­ing how to change the way you think and feel about your­self is a big part of the process. Ask for rec­om­men­da­tions from friends or your lo­cal doc­tor.

4. Let go of the reins a lit­tle.

If you are try­ing to con­trol ev­ery­thing in your re­la­tion­ship, your part­ner will feel suf­fo­cated and you will feel ex­hausted.

5. Prac­tice grat­i­tude.

No­tice three things a day, ev­ery day, that you are grate­ful for.

6. Ac­knowl­edge things about your­self that you like.

This could be phys­i­cal or per­son­al­ity and it can be lit­tle things to start with. Ex­am­ples are ‘I like my eyes’, ‘I am a good cook’, ‘Even though I am not per­fect, I love who I am’. There are so many more things you can do! Most im­por­tantly is not to give up. You are worth it. The strug­gle to over­come feel­ings of in­se­cu­rity and judge­ments of not be­ing enough, do not com­pare to fi­nally reach­ing the con­clu­sion that ‘I AM ENOUGH!’

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