HEALTHY SMARTPHONE USE FOR COUPLES
Approximately 92% of adults in large cities now possess a cell phone. Of those people, 90% report their phone is typically with them and half say they never turn it off. We know it is important to be mindful of the type of information one texts to a partner. Also exchanging emotional information via texts is not a good relationship builder. My research has confirmed that intimacy is lowered through texting, but it can be improved through awareness of the effects of texting on the relationship.
One way our smart phones are affecting our relationships is that they interfere with our partner’s ability to concentrate entirely on us when in our presence. Most partners feel their mate is being discourteous if they check their messages during together time, making this type of a multi-tasking a negative, especially when on a date. Dissension and disconnection occur when one partner is incapable of disengaging from their texts in order to connect with partners. ‘Phubbing’ is the term that refers
to partner phone snubbing. A partner is phubbed when their significant other chooses to attend the cell phone, rather than communicating with them and many couples report a loss of intimacy due to texting behaviors that displace this focus. A partner feels valued when they recognize their partner responds to their needs rather than their phone. Texting causes users to remove themselves cognitively from the conversation, which impedes mutual self-disclosure and thus hinders
The loss of intimacy in relationships can be linked to texting behaviours.
the way we express empathy to the other partner during in-person conversations. It is difficult to be vulnerable with a disengaged partner. Research has found that texting can get in the way of couple development, with frequency and content affecting satisfaction, stability and attachment. Males often feel frequent texting is intrusive which can cause them to pull away from the relationship. Positive texts to a partner, however, can reinforce the relationship. A valuable phrase to remember is that if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t text at all. Many couples utilize texting as a sort of relational maintenance and when done properly, it works well. Therapists have noticed when marriages hit a rough spot, it is not uncommon for a partner to hide behind their cellphone. For example, one partner feared his mate was attracted to her boss and rather than address this, he simply became more and more engaged with his cellphone. Working with couples today introduces the new challenge of learning to talk to each other in person again, which is a fundamental skill that seems to be getting lost in relationships today. Think of the times you have texted your partner a question from the kitchen, while they are in the same house but another room.
TEXTING IN YOUR PARTNER’S PRESENCE LEADS TO DISSATISFACTION IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
Technology is affecting couples today and understanding the depth of the impact, as well as how to better manage it, is important. Partners report that even seconds spent checking texts while in their partners presence leads to dissatisfaction in the relationship. Couples also feel that a quick check-in once a day, via text with their partner is a positive for them. In this way, couples can develop and then maintain their partnerships through texting, however, there are times when texting puts a strain on the relationship. There is a lack of texting etiquette and guidelines for couples to follow, which can be problematic. When texting is used as an easy and quick form of communication - if used properly - it can be OK. But text messaging has affected couple’s communication in our society today. Paying attention to how often we are looking down at our cellphones, rather than up into our partners eyes, does matter.
Dr. Lori Whatley is a licensed marriage and family therapist specialising in relational connecting based in Atlanta, USA. Dr Lori’s research focuses on the act of bringing people together and as a professional she takes a research-based approach to help others forge impactful, functional relationships. Dr Lori graduated from Mercer Medical School and earned her undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia. She can be contacted via website.