ARE YOU THE TOXIC ONE?

Are you the toxic one? Then seek help if you love your partner

There is an abundance of information on ‘Toxic Relationships’ on the internet. A quick recap, a ‘toxic relationship’ is usually defined as a relationship where one person is the victim and the other person is the bully, or the toxic partner. Are you the toxic one? What if you are the bully and the toxic partner? If you are the person causing a lot of grief in your relationship, it is time to change. It is time to own up to the fact that you are manipulating, coercive, making your partner feel guilty or just plain bullying your partner to do things your way!

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?

The reason people bully is normally not because they are mean-hearted and are driven to make their partner’s life hell. The reason this happens is because people are operating from their own wounds. From their own desperate need to be loved, to be held, to be listened to. It always relates back to childhood trauma. By trauma, I do not necessarily mean abuse, it could be as insidious as parental neglect. And that might just mean ‘Mummy and Daddy where too busy working to give me any attention and now I am desperate for it’. Consider the following questions and if you answer yes to any of these, then you may want to seriously consider obtaining some professional help:

• Do you have tantrums (yell and scream) and then blame your partner for your behaviour – even if it feels totally justified?

• Do you lie to get your own way?

• Are you having an affair?

• Are you engaged in any activity that your partner does not know about and could possibly be changing your attitude in the relationship?

• Are you engaged in any activity that your partner does know about or that harms your partner, physically or emotionally?

• If they have complained about any behaviour or activity that you are engaged in, then it is harming them and your relationship

• Have you ever hit or pushed or forced yourself onto, or otherwise physically hurt your partner?

• Do you constantly bad-mouth your partner to your friends, family or children? Note that bad-mouthing your partner to your children is a big mistake and causes your children harm too.

• Have you been diagnosed with a mental health condition that affects your mood and you are not being

"Do you love your partner enough to get help for yourself?"

treated at all for this with medication or therapy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then there is one more very serious question you need to ask yourself. Do you love your partner enough to get help for yourself? If the answer is no, then you are just continuing to abuse yourself and your partner and anyone else in the household, especially children. If you think this is just directed at men, then think again. There are many toxic women, or wounded women, who are struggling to maintain a deep and loving relationship. You can be a loving partner, so start by seeking help.

Leanne Allen (BA Psych(Hons)), Is the Principle Psychologist at Reconnect Wellness Centre. She has trained in Sandplay Therapy, NLP and CBT and has had extensive training in relationship therapy. Leanne has also completed training as a life coach. Her approach is to look forward whilst releasing the trauma of the past. Connect with Leanne via email, website or at her office on 1300 132 252.