SURVIVING QUARANTINE WITH OTHERS
How to establish physical & emotional boundaries when confined
Living with others can be challenging in the best of times. During quarantine with COVID-19, sharing space 24 hours a day with others can be downright difficult. How can you emerge from this period of extended togetherness and still like one another? The biggest factor in success is using boundaries.
Boundaries are the ways that you establish personal space with others. Creating boundaries helps people know what to expect from one another and can greatly reduce tension or painful interactions. They can be the difference between getting what you need and an all-out war that lasts for weeks.
Physical boundaries include things such as establishing house rules around respecting a closed door, asking another person to clean a mess they left behind, or giving someone privacy when they are on the phone.
Emotional boundaries are a bit like the covering on a piece of fruit. The covering keeps you from leaking out into the world around you and can also keep the world from gaining access to your feelings. It is important to express yourself in a calm and respectful way rather than blowing up when you step on a Lego block left in
the middle of the hallway. Give someone a little extra grace for being irritable when you know they have lost their job and are worried about finances. Maybe ask someone to speak to you when they have calmed down instead of yelling immediately at the annoyance.
Establishing physical and emotional boundaries might take some practice if it is not already happening in your world. Most of us don’t learn these skills in our childhood.
Here are some ideas for getting started: 1. Create house rules.
Have a discussion with your partner or children and identify challenges for each of you in the past few weeks of sharing space. For clues, think about times you felt irritated by something or had an uncomfortable verbal exchange. For example, if you have picked up dirty dishes from around the house multiple times and have grumbled to yourself about it, it probably needs to be discussed. If you have been awoken multiple times during the night from your teen talking loudly in an online game, you might want to talk. Ideally these conversations would happen at a neutral time, not when you are upset. When we are upset, we are unable to adequately access our prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that is used to make decisions and effectively communicate with others, and instead of a conversation
Establishing boundaries is essential when confined to a small space for an extended time.
it is likely to hurt feelings or be ineffective. Take a break, walk away and let your heart rate return to normal before you address the issue.
2. Apologise when you mess up.
Face it, we all have bad days. When you recognize that you have hurt the feelings or stepped on toes of those who are nearest and dearest to you, go to them and admit your mistake and tell them that you will do your best to not repeat it. A good apology might sound something like, ‘I’m really sorry that I interrupted your conference call with my music. That must have made you worry about what your boss thought about your professionalism. I’ll use my headphones in the house during working hours from here on.’
3. Ask for what you need.
Be direct and upfront and ask for what you want rather than hint around about it or expect someone to know without a discussion. You can say, ‘I’d really appreciate you trying to make the bed more often. It is important to me that our room is tidy when I spend so much time at home.’
4. Express gratitude.
When your partner or child does something that you have asked for, express your appreciation. Don’t just say ‘thanks’ but tell them how it benefits you by saying, ‘thank you for making the bed. It makes me feel cared for.’ Expressing gratitude increases the likelihood of repeated behavior. Research also suggests that increased gratitude makes us healthier and happier.
Healthy boundaries make healthy relationships. Learning how to set boundaries and enforce them is a skill that takes practice. You’ve likely to have a little more time on your hands right now. Seems like the perfect time to practice.
Holly Severson is a therapist, coach and writer who has a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology from Lewis and Clark College and has been a practicing licensed professional in the US for over 20 years. She specializes in all issues that are relationship oriented. You can contact Holly via her website.