When you are assertive it means, ‘I win & you win’
Recently I have been working with a lot of people on being assertive and a few common themes arise from clients. They say:
“If I am being assertive, does that mean that people won’t like me?”
“I can’t be assertive because I don’t want to hurt anyone”.
What this tells me is that many people are confused by the difference between assertive and aggressive behaviour.
Many women display passive traits.
Generally speaking, most people know that being passive means you are behaving in a way that shows that you are not important.
• You are not sure how to say ‘No’, or ‘Yes’, when you need to.
• You allow others to take advantage of you; this can only happen if you let it happen.
• You feel like other people are more important than you.
• You are afraid to stand your ground in fear of hurting others or being hurt.
In this every changing world, where talk of equality is growing, being passive is not the best space to live from. There can be no equality from this space.
Being passive means, ‘I lose, you win’.
The reality is that both lose, because who wants to be in a relationship where one person always gives in and eventually feels bullied or resentful.
The opposite to passive is aggression.
Aggression is ignoring the needs of others and making sure you always get your own way. It can be openly aggressive with forceful language or actions. Or it can be passive-aggressive, like manipulation or even just saying you will do something fully knowing that you won’t! Most people aren’t aware that passive aggression happens until after it has occurred, when they wonder, ‘What just happened?’
Aggressiveness is an indication of being very unhappy with self and blaming or taking it out on others. When you are genuinely happy you will not feel the need to be aggressive or accept aggressive behaviour.
Being aggressive means, ‘I win, you lose’.
Ultimately it really means we both lose because who wants to live in a space where there is no equality?
So how can there be winners all around? By being assertive.
Assertiveness is where both people respect and honour each other. They acknowledge differences, and they ensure that everyone is heard. Assertiveness
means that no one has to give in with the feeling of being unheard, and you don’t step on other people’s toes either.
Being assertive is the best place to be because it is about compromise and acknowledging that there will be times when you have to concede for the greater good. But you feel OK with that and it is not like you have lost or are being taken advantage of. The reason you are OK with that is because the other people involved acknowledge that you have stepped back, respect that you have done that, and know that it will be their turn next time.
• When you are assertive you feel empowered.
• You feel good because you know the other person also feels good.
• You respect yourself, and therefore other people respect you too.
• There is equality in the relationships.
• You can speak your truth safely, and so can others around you.
If you feel that you do not know how to be assertive, then it might be beneficial to work on this with a therapist or coach. Simple actions can make a huge difference!
Leanne Allen (BA Psych, (Hons)), Is the Principal Psychologist at Reconnect Wellness Centre. She has trained in Sandplay Therapy, NLP and CBT and has had extensive training in relationship therapy. Leanne has also completed training as a life coach. Her approach is to look forward whilst releasing the trauma of the past. Connect via Facebook, Instagram or Website.
When you are assertive it means, I win, and you win