THE SECRET POWER OF APOLOGY

Saying you are sorry requires both courage & vulnerability

Did you know that the powers of an apology are found in two amazing secrets?

Secret One:

An individual who is unable or unwilling to say, “I was wrong, I made a mistake”, is basically unfit for an intimate relationship. I realize this statement may sound harsh, but it is perfectly accurate. Here is why.

All intimate, deeply loving relationships require trust, openness and especially vulnerability to sustain a healthy flow of loving connection.

However, everyone makes mistakes. We even make mistakes that hurt or anger the ones we love. When we hurt the one who we love, the open door of that love begins to close. If we can authentically apologize and make amends, we do our part in making it safe for the door to open more fully.

If we refuse to admit our wrong and say a true and heart felt apology (which includes a new commitment to change the hurtful behavior), we add to the destructive effect of the original mistake. Then the love-door in our partner closes even more. That person will retreat and begin to build a wall, which will become larger with our every refusal to admit the mistake.

Eventually, intimacy will cease to exist and the love that once flowed so beautifully between partners will stop. The end of this flow will manifest in a vast variety of ways which can include loss of emotional intimacy, loss of romance, loss of sexual energy, an increase in resentment, hurt, anger, resignation, boredom, depression, and finally divorce.

Individuals who ignore this secret will always suffer the deterioration of their loving relationships. If you are unable to offer authentic apologies to your love partner, you are doing real damage to your intimate connection and are missing out on the true joys of what you could have together.

If you are in relationship with someone who cannot admit making mistakes and will not apologize, you need to find professional help for both of you. If you decide to helplessly tolerate this unsatisfactory behavior, you will most often build resentment that will eat away at your own heart and wellbeing and further damage your relationship.

Saying you are sorry requires both courage & vulnerability.

Secret Two:

The ability to say, “I made a mistake, and I am truly sorry”, will actually increase your own lovability and strengthen your relationship with your partner. Open heartedly admitting a mistake and saying you are sorry requires both courage and vulnerability. It is proof to your partner that your love is greater than your need to protect your ego. In this sense, every mistake becomes an opportunity to become a greater person in the eyes of your loved one and a model for healing behavior when things are difficult between you.

Develop Genuine Reflection:

Since we all periodically make mistakes and hurt the one who we love, our task is not to seek perfection, but to make it safe to be vulnerable, admit our fault and offer our best intention to make it better. Then the doorway to intimacy will open even more and the real gifts of deep love will nurture and expand the relationship.

Dr Matthew Anderson has a Doctor of Ministry specialising in counselling. He has extensive training and experience in Gestalt and Jungian Psychology and has helped many people successfully navigate relationship issues. Dr Anderson has a best-selling book, ‘The Resurrection of Romance’ and he may be contacted via his website.