Girls who need to get real
WHAT a Kalamity! As if the real thing wasn’t bad enough, two lots of Australian sisters are vying to be the Aussie Kardashians. The first is Tammy Hembrow (pictured right), a WA blonde who has her own fitness and clothing line and — more importantly — 8 million followers on Instagram. Guess that makes her an I-brow.
More importantly, she has four photogenic siblings called Emilee, Amy, Starlette and Ava. Happily for Tammy, the Hembrow girls share a willingness to pose in tight outfits against tropical backdrops.
There are also Gold Coast sisters Ellie-Jean and Holly-Sue Coffee and their sisters Ruby-Lee and Bonnie Lou who love surfing and posing in bikinis. Even better, they love surfing in bikinis. They share not only 1 million followers, but an ability to withstand sand up their clackers.
But why should these ladies have all the fun? I’ve pored over hundreds of images to give you a crash course in instant Insta fame.
First you have to be noticed. A sex tape worked for Kim Kardashian and getting stretchered out of Kylie Jenner’s 21st birthday party has done wonders for Tammy Hembrow. Not only did being rushed to the hospital give her international exposure, but the teary clip where she cites overwork and exhaustion as reasons for her collapse has gone viral. Great work, Tammy.
Then you have to post a lot of photos showing how hot you are. It’s all about the boobs, the butt and the Botox. Get these things right and you’re set. Just make sure your undies from last night aren’t hanging on the lampshade and the floor isn’t a mass of Uber Eats takeaway bags, discarded clothes and passed-out partygoers. Ideally, you will be in nothing more than sunglasses and a G-string bikini — a different one in every shot, please. Perfect the bikini butt pose. Kneel in the surf, arch your back, poke your boobs in the air and turn your face to the sky.
Hold that natural, casual pose for 35 minutes as your offsider takes 459 photos to make sure the palm trees are reflected in your sunnies just as the sun’s rays break through the clouds. Although it’s hot enough to fry an egg on your chest, make sure you have a professionally applied full face of heavy makeup.
Surfboards make great accessories as long as they are colour-matched to your bathers. Same goes for children. Ensure any progeny are photogenic by choosing a partner on looks alone.
Forget your day job. If you’re lucky, you’ll spend your days posing, snapping, editing, filtering and posting and then doing it all again an hour later — just make sure you nail the low-fi vintage aesthetic.
If you do have to hold down a job, make sure it’s running your own fashion or fitness brand rather than ball pit wee remover.
Make your life look fabulous and interesting by posing on giant fancy boats and cars. Try not to get arrested as they’re bound to belong to other people.
Photos taken in gyms are also popular as they show how committed you are to your body and your #betterself. Caption it with quotes like: “Do something today your future self will thank you for.” No one will know what you mean, but it sounds deep.
Spend a lot of time posing in gym clothes but don’t under any circumstances do what’s known in the real world as a workout. This might mean you’ll get hot and ugly and sweat in weird places like your groin and your butt cheeks.
Make sure people know how amazing your life is by providing full captions such as: “When you are flown in your private helicopter onto a rock of fire to do yoga”. But always appear down to earth: #blessed #spiritanimal.
If you’re having a crap day and can’t get out of bed, declare it to be “throwback” Thursday and post pictures from when you looked hotter than ever.
OK, I’m being a bit facetious, but there’s a serious point. Like it or not, these Insta Influencers are role models for our daughters and admired by our sons.
That is why it’s time to take a stand against the Kardashians and their Aussie acolytes and get back to basics. Embrace wrinkles, work up a sweat, dance up a storm, eat great food, listen to music, have fun, work hard and spend time with good friends and family.
Live, laugh, love and make mistakes. That’s what’s real, not Blisters with F-cups in G-strings.
I just wish more of our girls knew it.