Girls who need to get real


WHAT a Kalamity! As if the real thing wasn’t bad enough, two lots of Aus­tralian sis­ters are vy­ing to be the Aussie Kar­dashi­ans. The first is Tammy Hem­brow (pic­tured right), a WA blonde who has her own fit­ness and cloth­ing line and — more im­por­tantly — 8 mil­lion fol­low­ers on In­sta­gram. Guess that makes her an I-brow.

More im­por­tantly, she has four pho­to­genic sib­lings called Emilee, Amy, Star­lette and Ava. Hap­pily for Tammy, the Hem­brow girls share a will­ing­ness to pose in tight out­fits against trop­i­cal back­drops.

There are also Gold Coast sis­ters El­lie-Jean and Holly-Sue Cof­fee and their sis­ters Ruby-Lee and Bon­nie Lou who love surf­ing and pos­ing in biki­nis. Even bet­ter, they love surf­ing in biki­nis. They share not only 1 mil­lion fol­low­ers, but an abil­ity to with­stand sand up their clack­ers.

But why should th­ese ladies have all the fun? I’ve pored over hun­dreds of images to give you a crash course in in­stant In­sta fame.

First you have to be no­ticed. A sex tape worked for Kim Kar­dashian and get­ting stretchered out of Kylie Jen­ner’s 21st birth­day party has done won­ders for Tammy Hem­brow. Not only did be­ing rushed to the hos­pi­tal give her in­ter­na­tional ex­po­sure, but the teary clip where she cites over­work and ex­haus­tion as rea­sons for her col­lapse has gone vi­ral. Great work, Tammy.

Then you have to post a lot of pho­tos show­ing how hot you are. It’s all about the boobs, the butt and the Bo­tox. Get th­ese things right and you’re set. Just make sure your undies from last night aren’t hang­ing on the lamp­shade and the floor isn’t a mass of Uber Eats take­away bags, dis­carded clothes and passed-out par­ty­go­ers. Ideally, you will be in noth­ing more than sun­glasses and a G-string bikini — a dif­fer­ent one in ev­ery shot, please. Per­fect the bikini butt pose. Kneel in the surf, arch your back, poke your boobs in the air and turn your face to the sky.

Hold that nat­u­ral, ca­sual pose for 35 min­utes as your off­sider takes 459 pho­tos to make sure the palm trees are re­flected in your sun­nies just as the sun’s rays break through the clouds. Al­though it’s hot enough to fry an egg on your chest, make sure you have a pro­fes­sion­ally ap­plied full face of heavy makeup.

Surf­boards make great ac­ces­sories as long as they are colour-matched to your bathers. Same goes for chil­dren. En­sure any progeny are pho­to­genic by choos­ing a part­ner on looks alone.

For­get your day job. If you’re lucky, you’ll spend your days pos­ing, snap­ping, edit­ing, fil­ter­ing and post­ing and then do­ing it all again an hour later — just make sure you nail the low-fi vin­tage aes­thetic.

If you do have to hold down a job, make sure it’s run­ning your own fash­ion or fit­ness brand rather than ball pit wee re­mover.

Make your life look fab­u­lous and in­ter­est­ing by pos­ing on gi­ant fancy boats and cars. Try not to get ar­rested as they’re bound to be­long to other peo­ple.

Pho­tos taken in gyms are also pop­u­lar as they show how com­mit­ted you are to your body and your #bet­ter­self. Cap­tion it with quotes like: “Do some­thing to­day your fu­ture self will thank you for.” No one will know what you mean, but it sounds deep.

Spend a lot of time pos­ing in gym clothes but don’t un­der any cir­cum­stances do what’s known in the real world as a work­out. This might mean you’ll get hot and ugly and sweat in weird places like your groin and your butt cheeks.

Make sure peo­ple know how amaz­ing your life is by pro­vid­ing full cap­tions such as: “When you are flown in your pri­vate he­li­copter onto a rock of fire to do yoga”. But al­ways ap­pear down to earth: #blessed #spir­i­tan­i­mal.

If you’re hav­ing a crap day and can’t get out of bed, de­clare it to be “throw­back” Thurs­day and post pic­tures from when you looked hot­ter than ever.

OK, I’m be­ing a bit face­tious, but there’s a se­ri­ous point. Like it or not, th­ese In­sta In­flu­encers are role mod­els for our daugh­ters and ad­mired by our sons.

That is why it’s time to take a stand against the Kar­dashi­ans and their Aussie acolytes and get back to ba­sics. Em­brace wrin­kles, work up a sweat, dance up a storm, eat great food, lis­ten to mu­sic, have fun, work hard and spend time with good friends and fam­ily.

Live, laugh, love and make mis­takes. That’s what’s real, not Blis­ters with F-cups in G-strings.

I just wish more of our girls knew it.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Australia

© PressReader. All rights reserved.