Unsung icons: Burglar alarms From cricket bats to hi-tech
COMEDIAN DAVID SMIEDT TAKES AN IRREVERENT, BUT APPRECIATIVE, LOOK AT THE CLASSIC THINGS THAT DEFINE YOU-BEAUT AUSSIE LIFE
There exists today technology whereby you can see who is at your door without even being on the premises. Naturally, it involves cameras because heaven forbid in 2021 we are neither watching a screen nor appearing on one. Before we delve into how far we’ve come in terms of Australian home security we need to tackle one big old myth. Namely that there was a time in our ’burbs where behind every picket fence lay an unlocked front door because no-one would ever think of nicking the VHS/turntable/sterling-silver salver. And if you think that was just an opportunity to write the phrase sterling-silver salver, you’d be right. But that’s beside the point. We’ve always had security measures. For many of us, it involved a rustling sound downstairs, your dad retrieving a cricket bat from under the bed and him praying to whatever god he believed in that he wouldn’t have to use it.
But as the reality dawned that other people may covet our stuff – most often when we weren’t there – it was time to install some hardware. Most often, this took the form of magnetised blocks, which were affixed to the window frames. Shift the frame, break the bond and a bell would sound. And what a bell! The theory being that the louder the sound, the more vigilant strangers would be spurred into action to protect your property. Spoiler: the burglars still got away with your things but they had enduring tinnitus to remember the job by.
The next generation came in two colours – beige and beige – and worked via motion sensors affixed to where the ceiling met the wall. In terms of efficacy, this tech was a major step forward because you could smash the glass near the aforementioned magnetised version and pop in through the undisturbed frame without getting a peep from the system. At least you could tell the insurance company you had an alarm.
Problem was that they were more sensitive than a heartbroken teenager who’s just discovered The Cure, which meant that you’d forget about the contraption, head down to the kitchen for a glass of water and then awaken the entire family who would rush downstairs to find you wearing nothing but undies and discover that by water you mean a family block of Top Deck. Dipped in peanut butter.
It became quickly apparent that we needed to be able to split our homes into zones that could be safely traversed while others were protected. This was achieved by a complicated keypad featuring a diagram in a shape that never echoed that of the space you actually lived in. It also demanded a code number to set or deactivate. This was accompanied by a high-pitched squeal that indicated you had 10 seconds to remember those four digits. Now was it your birthday? Mum’s? Dad’s? The postcode? Only now this game of ‘wtf is that bloody number?’ is accompanied by the wailing of alarm system proper. Adding to the cacophony and soaring heart rate will be the telephone ringing because you paid extra for a link to a security company who will immediately get in touch to see if everything’s okay. At which point you have to vocalise your shame by explaining what a doofus you are and that you were thinking of your mum’s birthday when it should have been yours. Because the operator on the other end of the line really cared.
“THIS WAS ACCOMPANIED BY A HIGH-PITCHED squeal THAT INDICATED YOU HAD 10 SECONDS TO
digits” REMEMBER THOSE FOUR
Another security product that most certainly deserves a nod were the motion-activated lights. The merest quiver from a wind-rustled bush or errant neighbourhood cat would flood the backyard with a luminescence you could stage a day-night cricket match by. Out the front, it brought to light many a guilty culprit who’d treated curfew as a suggestion rather than a rule. And woe betide the poor person whose room was close to this glowing demon. So powerful was the globe that it seeped past the curtain edges and threw dazzling 300-watt bars across the walls and ceiling, which to an unsuspecting child with little understanding of electronics clicked into life for no reason and at the most random times. But, I guess, someone had to put the security into insecurity. At least now, the same fearful commodity is 4K Ultra HD.