plans for the future
Peter shares his approach on how to have a tricky conversation with the folks involving that dreaded D word: downsizing
QHi Peter, I love my parents dearly but, as they’re getting older, we kids are beginning to talk about the fact that we may need to consider a smaller place for them. It’s all very uncomfortable but how do I talk to them about downsizing? Fiona, Malvern, Vic
AHi Fiona. Actually, I think it’s a pretty admirable thing you’re doing. I’ve seen far too many families have to deal with the difficult task of managing a parent’s possessions while also dealing with the stress of their poor health. The only way around it is to have as much of a plan in place before any actual event happens. Nobody wants to have this kind of chat… it feels like it’s going to be stressful and sad. So, let’s start by acknowledging that this won’t be easy. Given that, here’s what I’ve learned about how to have this kind of talk. First, start this conversation early. By having honest discussions with your parents well in advance of any crisis – health, financial or otherwise – you lay the groundwork for decisions to be made later. Use the opportunity of other family members needing to downsize or other similar stories to gauge your parents’ views on their future and their thoughts on living options once they have an empty nest, and how they would want to deal with a situation involving their health. This is a conversation that you shouldn’t have to have alone. This is something you should discuss with your brothers and sisters (and perhaps their spouses). Get everyone’s thoughts and plan a time for all of you to meet or get on a call to chat directly about this. Tell your parents that you (and maybe your siblings) want to get together for a chat about their plans for how they think the next few years might look. Specifically, you want to chat now while there’s no need for an immediate decision, while everyone’s able to have really meaningful conversation. If possible, find some humour to throw in here. Making this seem like it’s not going to be too dire is a really good thing. How you frame this conversation is very important. I’ve found it’s far more effective to explain that your parents are helping you by having this conversation – not the other way around. No parent wants to cause their child undue stress. So instead of a sentence like “you really can’t be in this house alone any longer” try “I get worried when I think about how you’re doing in this house by yourself”. This takes the onus off your parents and enables a less threatening and perhaps a more productive conversation. Don’t disempower your parents, and be gentle. Make the discussion a collaborative process by talking about the options available, which will help your folks feel more in control of the possible outcome. The recognition that the family home can no longer be maintained is also an admission of declining vitality. It’s important to offer support and encouragement to your parents and their needs.