It never rains but it bores
IT HAPPENS every time. A cyclone brings wind and rain, then the rain starts to accumulate in massive floods that cover the land.
The rising waters soon bring on a plague of noxious animals – rats, snakes, politicians and other vermin head for flood-affected towns and cities.
The ones that arrive and leave as quickly as the television crews are the pollies. But I felt quite nostalgic when the famous Bronniecopter landed near my new beachfront home halfway up the escarpment and out popped Malcolm to turn back the tides and promise that things will be better next time because we’ll have flood-proof homes.
He looked remarkably like the Malcolm who was almost apoplectic a week before as he launched an attack in Parliament on the Greens’ Adam Bandt. Bandt had made the outrageous comment that approving more coal mines such as the Adani mega mine would contribute to extreme weather events such as Tropical Cyclone Debbie.
But we all know that the initial C is the only thing linking Coal mining, Climate change, Cyclones and Catastrophes. I’m with Donald Trump there. He says it’s a Chinese plot. And just note how Chinese starts with the same letter. Conspiracy? Coincidence? Correct? Confused?
You make up your own mind. As you do so, note that Science starts with a different letter. You read it first here. And those initials mean Malcolm won’t have to eat his words that are soggy now. He snagged some negative comments after he turned down a sausage sandwich in Lismore. How could he? White bread, mystery meat and generosity. But he dodged another sausagegate by charming the woman who offered it. My spies tell me he’d just wolfed a plate of truffles washed down with a Moet smoothie and couldn’t eat another thing.
I think a bit of pollie presence does the world of good in floods. Just ask Anna Bligh – she never looked more appealing than during the last floods in the north. She was active, had presence and seemed a calming influence. And lost the next election in a landslide. Malcolm got filmed pushing a barrow. Politicians are always pushing a barrow but this was physical – a real barrow – so it’s a start.
Malcolm has lifted one employment sector. The houseboat industry is cheering. Lots of floating homes to be built. Each of these flood-proof homes will come with solar power, NBN to the nearest mooring and advertisements on the roof to pay for it all.
The navy gets new tugs to rescue any of these new seachangers who float out to sea, cast adrift by neighbours fed up with their noise and bad habits. I can see it now, a flotilla of bogans off the coast being marshalled by the navy as they demand to be towed to Bali as compensation for having to live afloat.
While they sort out that boat people issue, the rest of us need to watch where the flood-proofing money gets spent. I hear marginal electorates can ask for their new levee banks to be gold plated. Safe seats will get grey concrete or compacted soil levees. But at least the Labor Party showed a rare grasp of fiscal responsibility and refused to go any dearer than silver plating.
Unfortunately, both sides wrote their promises in the mud where they stood and the next wave of flood water washed them away.
But we all know that the initial C is the only thing linking Coal mining, Climate change, Cyclones and Catastrophes. I’m with Donald Trump there. He says it’s a Chinese plot.
PM A PROPHET: “These are record flood events so we’re going to have to be better prepared because clearly this will be repeated.’’ What do coal mining, cyclones and catastrophes have in common? Just ask Donald Trump what he thinks.