The spin on terms you thought you knew

Life & Style Weekend - - TREND - with Michael Burlace

This now means all parts of the dress stayed in place and no ex­tra flesh was ex­posed, dammit.

THE new era of mean­ing started with “fake news” and spread and we now have a need for trans­la­tions. Fear not, Week­end is here to help you with words you thought you un­der­stood.

SPIN DOC­TOR: Liar. Lies to elec­torate as well as to party – sure, you’ll get in – but will take a few mil­lion more. Just sign here.

NOT TESTED ON AN­I­MALS: “Good luck – we didn’t test it, you will do that for us”.

BI­CY­CLE RACE OR OTHER GLOBAL SPORT­ING EVENT: A com­pe­ti­tion be­tween drug com­pa­nies to de­velop the most ef­fec­tive ways to mask the pres­ence of drugs.

The re­sults will later be used to al­low them to sim­i­larly mask neg­a­tive side ef­fects.

HAY FEVER MED­I­CA­TION: Per­for­mance en­hanc­ing drug. “I was tak­ing it for the sneez­ing.”

It’s an off-la­bel use that has no im­pact on my per­for­mance but helps me over­come my af­flic­tion with hay fever that comes at this time of year in this part of the world.

DRUG CHEAT: Id­iot who let side down by get­ting caught. SMART­PHONE: De­vice for en­sur­ing driv­ers do not die of bore­dom but of other causes, mostly road crashes.

FRESH FUNDS FOR X PROJECT IN YOUR ELEC­TORATE: Be­cause of ob­struc­tion by the Op­po­si­tion (and be­cause the stupid elec­torate only put us in as mi­nor­ity gov­ern­ment and I don’t like deal­ing with the other side of the House), we didn’t spend the money we al­lo­cated (sup­pos­edly) the last time we were here (yes it was three months be­fore the last elec­tion) so we rolled it into a new and big­ger fund to fin­ish the works in the life of the present gov­ern­ment (as­sum­ing you make me leader for life).

PARTY LEADER: Doomed politi­cian who fool­ishly be­lieves she has the party’s whole­hearted back­ing but is in fact the sac­ri­fi­cial lamb who will take the rap for the whole party at the next elec­tion.

Likely to also lose seat un­less there is a visit from the Pope/US Pres­i­dent/sports star/A-list celebrity dur­ing the cam­paign. Of­ten par­ties in­stall a woman as leader at this time, “might as well show we are a party of equal op­por­tu­nity”.

PLASTIC SHOP­PING BAG: Fu­ture food for tur­tles, sea birds and fish. Un­for­tu­nately it’s about as nour­ish­ing as fake news is. And just as deadly.

Cig­a­rette butt has same mean­ing.

RED CAR­PET EVENT: A pub­lic strip club where the world’s Most Beau­ti­ful Peo­ple (fe­male only, please) come to show off how much they can spend on how lit­tle fab­ric to cover the mil­lions spent on body mod­i­fi­ca­tions and per­sonal train­ers while starv­ing their bod­ies in the pur­suit of sci­en­tific ex­cel­lence. But be­cause cloth­ing de­sign­ers don’t em­ploy enough physi­cists they fail to un­der­stand grav­ity and other forces. See next item.

WARDROBE MAL­FUNC­TION: This now means all parts of the dress stayed in place and no ex­tra flesh was ex­posed, dammit. It used to mean the opposite, but English is a chang­ing lan­guage.

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