I feel like I’ve got my feet in two camps

Life & Style Weekend - - TREND - Pol­lie Tick­led WITH Michael Burlace

I’M NOT good at shop­ping, I’m too busy be­ing a farmer, at­tend­ing coal min­ing con­fer­ences, run­ning the Nats and swan­ning around when Mal­colm’s over­seas.

But I needed to buy Shorten some­thing for his birth­day. So I went to Par­lia­ment’s sou­venir shop. I didn’t mean to fol­low those Greens. One was that Larissa. If God wanted her breast­feed­ing in pub­lic He wouldn’t have in­vented bot­tles. I found a plas­tic mug with “I’m a blocker” on it – that’s Bill.

As I was about to pay for it, the nice man of­fered some two for one deals. “To­day we have the two wed­dings for one deal. That lets you have a straight mar­riage and a gay mar­riage.”

“Stop right there, young man.” Phew, he nearly had me with that one. Em­bar­rass­ing if Se­cu­rity looked in my shop­ping bag.

“All right, rather than be­ing stuck at deputy, if you buy two cit­i­zen­ships for one we could get you to be leader of an­other coun­try and equal with Mal­colm or Bill at in­ter­na­tional events.

“We’re low on some, but we have plenty for North Korea. No? Iraq? Too many boat peo­ple. And Rus­sia is too close to Trump and that’s not a good place to be, even for you.”

He sneaked an en­ve­lope from un­der the counter. “This is the last one for New Zealand. Just sold one to that cus­tomer in the green shirt. I’ve met a few Ki­wis. Same as us ex­cept when it comes to sport­ing suc­cess. Sheep, cat­tle, mostly white. You’d look good as Kiwi PM.”

So I took it. A bar­gain.

“What a mug!” That’s what Mal­colm said when I told him about the deal. “Don’t tell any­one,” he added be­hind his hand. Well, of course not, I know how to keep a present a se­cret. Even­tu­ally I had to tell. Mal­colm said “What a mug.” Dunno why he’s so in­ter­ested in a teacup. Not like there’s a storm in it. But I have to go to the High Court, just like back in school.

The bloke from the shop was sweet about it, not that I’d say that about a man.

He said I just needed to marry some­one who was 100% Aussie and that would di­lute the NZ cit­i­zen­ship.

But the mis­sus said she’s never shar­ing me with an­other woman.

Again the man had the an­swer. “Re­mem­ber that other of­fer, the one with two sets of vows? If I buy that at a staff dis­count, you could marry me,” he said.

Tempt­ing. Aussie Deputy PM, New Zealand PM and two lovers.

So I said I’d do it. “Whad­daya mean I can’t marry you till af­ter the plebiscite? Be­fore that, the High Court might sack me and

I’d have to fight Wind­sor and we used all the dirt we had on him last time.”

Any­how, Julie solved it. “Hil­lary had this great idea. Blame some other coun­try, one you don’t like. Re­mem­ber those All Black wins? We blame the Ki­wis for sneak­ing cit­i­zen­ship packs into the sou­venir shop.”

And sure enough, Julie crit­i­cised NZ Labour for dob­bing me in. No­body cares Labour isn’t in gov­ern­ment and couldn’t have done it and Jacinda’s only been in the job a few days.

We’re just happy to have some­one else to blame. Beats tak­ing re­spon­si­bil­ity.

Re­mem­ber that other of­fer, the one with two sets of vows? If I buy that at a staff dis­count, you could marry me

Pol­lie Tick­led is a satir­i­cal col­umn.

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