WHAT’S A DILL TO DO?

WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE, YOU CAN DE­PEND ON DICKO TO ED­U­CATE YOU IN THE FINER POINTS

Life & Style Weekend - - TREND - Check out our web­site for more opin­ion col­umns. POLLIE TICK­LED WORDS: MICHAEL BURLACE .......................

“WE CAN BE SURE THE PARTY THAT HAS THE RECORD FOR THE MOST DE­FEC­TORS SINCE THE COM­MU­NIST PARTY HAS JUST LOST ITS LAT­EST.”

Aweek is a long time in politics. This week some politi­cians found a day can be a long time in politics. As usual, Mal­colm Turn­bull lost favour with vot­ers al­most as fast as he lost mem­bers of his party. Both are ac­cel­er­at­ing to the point where he could be rolled as Lib­eral leader. Ex­cept that Julie Bishop is the only likely con­tender who might – just might – be able to garner more votes than him. But as those dual cit­i­zens fall­ing from trees all over Can­berra push us closer to an­other gen­eral elec­tion, a lead­er­ship chal­lenge is not a good idea. Nor is an elec­tion for ei­ther ma­jor party, but they may be dragged kick­ing and scream­ing to the polls. A bit like us, re­ally. And with that in mind, Bill Shorten has con­tin­ued to keep only one foot in his mouth, not open­ing it even when there is an op­por­tu­nity to change feet. Makes it hard to lose an elec­tion. Bill fig­ures he can stay quiet and there’s a fair chance he will soon ex­pe­ri­ence the joy of be­ing prime min­is­ter. And will then start the usual busi­ness of a de­clin­ing suc­cess score and tum­bling ap­proval rat­ing. Cue knife sharp­en­ing by col­leagues. So as the dust set­tled on the first lot of dual cit­i­zens who failed to read Sec­tion 44 of the Con­sti­tu­tion, One Na­tion got a new sen­a­tor and ei­ther ejected him or he de­fected in his first hour in the Se­nate. Be­ing One Na­tion and in­volv­ing Pauline Han­son and Fraser An­ning, it is hard to tell what was go­ing on. But we can be sure the party that has the record for the most de­fec­tors since the Com­mu­nist Party has just lost its lat­est. Any other facts – just make them up, please. My fave fed­eral “fact” this week came from none other than the fiery one who re­ferred to her favourite ex-sen­a­tor Mal­colm Roberts as hav­ing “op­posed cli­mate change”. In fact, Roberts had op­posed the ex­is­tence of hu­man-en­hanced cli­mate change. But we can’t ex­pect Han­son to pick the dif­fer­ence. That party also took out the award for the most tacky po­lit­i­cal stunt in years for its Queens­land ed­u­ca­tion plat­form. The party plans to get rid of the Safe Schools pro­gram that’s be­ing taught in Queens­land pri­mary schools. Ex­cept it isn’t be­ing taught there, ap­par­ently. It in­cludes in­struct­ing girls in Year 4 how to mas­tur­bate and how to don a strap-on. What? Say that again slowly. Ac­tu­ally, don’t ever say it again. It’s too ridicu­lous for words. But thanks to Steve Dick­son – state leader of the party – girls in Year 4 have now heard of a strap-on and mas­tur­ba­tion. I can just see the de­light as par­ents an­swer their kids as they do home­work for This Week in the News. The state­ment from Dicko was backed up by re­ports from an au­thor­i­ta­tive source – one un­named par­ent. This is the party that re­fuses to be­lieve sev­eral thou­sands of sci­en­tif­i­cally ver­i­fied in­ves­ti­ga­tions show­ing hu­mans have in­creased the rate of global warm­ing, lead­ing to cli­mate change. But then the party doesn’t be­lieve vac­ci­na­tion works all that well ei­ther. Not a lot of po­lio, whoop­ing cough, small­pox etc around these days, Dicko. Take it from a man who was close to dy­ing of whoop­ing cough as an in­fant be­fore we had im­mu­ni­sa­tion. Vac­ci­na­tion works. Po­lio was com­mon then. Not now. Small­pox? Gone.

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