THE ITSY BITSY, TEENIE WEENIE YELLOW POLKA-DOT BIKINI HAS NOTHING ON TODAY’S SWIMWEAR DESIGNS THAT SEEM TO BE SHRINKING AS FAST AS OUR DOLLAR VALUE
Why are small things becoming so popular again? Shrinkies, Coles mini shoppers and now bikinis. OK, I have to be really careful here because I’d love to say that this new introduction of the European-style bikini is a good thing and a celebration of the female form, but I just can’t. I guess as a dad of two young girls, I get shocked out of that thought process because I have a stabbing flash forward to my girls wearing these outfits to the beach. I think everyone should be comfortable, especially at the beach. But if I can see a part of your body that is used for mummy and daddy time on a public beach, I feel like that is going too far. There’s a story in my family that we went to a beach where a lovely young woman who was sunbaking with the bottom half of her bikini on. The top half had vanished like a fart in the wind. She was fully exposed and my brother who was in the breastfeeding stage at the time ran up to her and... well, you can probably see what happened next. He just saw her as a milk bar. Now the lady was very forgiving, but I guess if she was covered up, it may not have happened and some embarrassment could have been avoided. I realise that story is of the extreme nature of the shrinking bikini, but I think there’s something in it: that maybe public beaches aren’t the place to be exposing more of your body than needs be. Now I know my wife and mother-in-law aren’t reading this anymore, so ... I love them, ladies. They look great on you.
As summer fast approaches, there are a number of things we need to consider, like how many new gelato shops will open in Mooloolaba and what will the new SPF rating be on our sunscreen. I’m looking forward to the 1500+ range just to confuse us all over again. But the biggy, the grand poobah of puzzling wonderment we are all eagerly anticipating is: just how small will this season’s bikinis be? Last season saw the amazing disappearing act of Lycra as more and more Brazilian bums, butterfly cheeks, wonder wedgies and crack-filling fancies adorned our beaches. There was so much cheek on show it was like a mango convention. Already this year we have seen the addition of the “floss” bikini: spaghetti straps with ultra-thin fabric sections front and back and pulled so high they almost need tying under the armpits. Now while many people are tut-tutting at this risqué display of flesh, mocking it as shameless exhibitionism, let me be the first to jump to the defence of the shrinking kini…. Modern women are merely reflecting the impact global warming is having on fashion. Each year, as the polar ice caps melt, water levels rise and temperatures increase, requiring less clothing that can overheat one’s toosh. Toosh temp is a vital part of one’s health that is far too often overlooked, like the benefits of magnesium and kombucha. One’s toosh temp needs to be respected and maintained. Not much is known scientifically about the adverse effects of a heightened toosh temp, so as a community service crusader, I am volunteering my services to a study.
Get your inflatable flamingo pool ready because summertime is just around the corner and as each summer comes around, the bikinis seem to get smaller. So, it might be time to have a chat about whether bikinis these days are a bit too small. As a swimmer for 15 years, I appreciate people enjoying themselves in their togs and how comfy they are. But personally, I think they are becoming a little too small and again, it’s time to thank Instagram. You can practically wear a G-string to the beach and it’s socially acceptable online. The front of bikinis are the size of an eye-patch and I’m just not sure. If you were a parent, would you be proud of seeing your daughter get around in one? I could be wrong! I’m all for people being comfortable in their own skin but at what price? Is it an attention-seeking thing? I know that sounds harsh and I love wearing bikinis but I think there’s a line. You can still come across as a confident woman without having to bare all. Many people are turning their attention to the gym to get fit and ready for summer, which is fantastic and it’s always nice to have that goal. But, it’s also nice to feel fit because it provides you with a better quality of life, not because you look better in your Instagram pic. I understand that it’s a free world and people have the right to wear what they want. It just makes me sad to think that there are people doing it because they have low self-esteem issues and they feel like wearing next to nothing is going to make them feel better. Wear your bikinis proudly but let’s just leave a bit more to the imagination.