SNEAKINESS IS A CRIME
NOW I REALLY KNOW WHY I’D NEVER HAVE A CAREER AS A POLICEMAN OR SECRET AGENT, LIKE MY DAD ALWAYS SAID
Ialways wanted to be a policeman when I was a kid or a secret agent, but was told by my Dad I wasn’t really cut out for it. On the secret agent bit, he used to remind me that wherever we went, I was like a bull in a china shop or a baby elephant stomping around, so it would be a bit hard to sneak up on anyone ... particularly when I had a voice like a foghorn to go with it.
As far as being a copper goes, he used to tell me I regularly went into a battle of wits unarmed, so solving a crime might be problematic.
There have been many occasions over the years where he was proved 100 per cent correct – the last just a couple of weeks ago, at the end of one week and the start of another.
Sunday night, old mate has headphones on watching Married at First Sight so I decided it would be the perfect time to sneak out into the garage to the freezer and eat some ice cream that I am banned from doing.
Like Maxwell Smart on a case, spoon casually in pocket, I head out and decide to leave the light off in case she tears herself from the idiot box for some unknown reason.
Good plan until I manage to bite a hole right through my tongue, obviously over-excited by the salted caramel that I strangely thought had strawberry through it until I realised it was blood.
Retreating through the kitchen and a hurried goodnight with a distinct lisp, I head to the bathroom before bed to try and stem the blood flow.
Rinse, rinse, rinsing and stuffing tissues in my mouth until it finally subsides, it was not a great ending to the week.
The next morning with sore tongue, I head to work to find out we have been burgled.
I get home from work and am a little stressed about whether the burglar may return at the club, so I suggest to old mate that I might go back later in the night and stake out where I think he got in.
What follows is laughter, a shaking of the head and, “What the hell are you going to do if you catch him? You are an old man. Anyway, you probably will have a beer and fall asleep?”.
She then said, “On second thoughts, the snoring and yelling in your sleep might scare him off”, followed by a don’t-be-an-idiot look.
I woke up about 2am and started stressing so decided against good advice to go to work and catch a crim.
I sneaked out of the house with shoes under my arm, phone, work keys and a weapon (walking stick), locked everything behind me, got to the car ... bugger.
No car keys and locked out as my house key was in the car. Genius.
Do I knock on the door? I wasn’t brave enough, so I decide to abandon the mission and sleep on the banana lounge on the front patio.
I lay down, slightly depressed about having no brains and then it rains.
Did I mention rain from the north? House aspect is north. Lucky me.
It didn’t last long – just enough to further dampen my spirits.
And I spent rest of the week with a lisp, a cold and an extremely happy other half after she found me out there the following morning.
“GOOD PLAN UNTIL I MANAGE TO BITE A HOLE RIGHT THROUGH MY TONGUE, OBVIOUSLY OVER- EXCITED BY THE SALTED CARAMEL...”