DISNEY MOVIES RESONATE WITH US FROM CHILDHOOD THROUGH TO ADULTHOOD, BUT WHO WERE OUR TEENAGE DISNEY CHARACTER CRUSHES?
All of these Disney live-action remakes are a whole new world. I’m not yet convinced that they’re shining, shimmering, and splendid yet, though. I just get worried that by remaking these Disney cartoons that shaped your childhood, they could get something wrong and wreck everything you based your life on.
OK, that’s a bit melodramatic, but these cartoons taught me so much about life. The Lion King taught me to find a mentor; Cinderella, that time is precious so don’t waste any; Snow White, to kill them with kindness; Beauty and The Beast taught me to not judge a book by its cover; and The Little Mermaid taught me to live my own dreams. There’s so much good stuff in these Disney classics that shape us.
However, we’re not here to talk about that. We’re here today, ladies and gentlemen, to discuss our Disney crush. I’m going to stick to the humans in the Disney Universe, because finding a cartoon attractive is kind of enough and if we bring animals into it, well, it just takes it all to the next level.
OK, my “classic” Disney crush is no doubt Pocahontus. She’s a strong, powerful woman who will give up everything to fight what she believes in ... and she’s very attractive. Now, my current (yep, I said current) Disney crush is Rapunzel. She is fine ... for a cartoon. You know how weird that feels to say? But don’t judge me. If we’re talking the hottest cartoon ever, though, it would have to be Jessica Rabbit. OK, I’ll stop now and head off to my therapy group.
In 1928, I doubt whether Walt Disney would have thought that in 91 years’ time, three Sunshine Coast radio jocks would be categorising the hotness of his catalogue of characters. Yet, here we are.
Not to be misogynistic, deliberately controversial or in any way (insert any word here you like) -ist, I will be focusing on the Disney chicks.
Vintage Disney chicks, such as Snow White and Cinderella, are raging narcissists and have a little too much baggage for my liking. Modern-day Disney chicks, Scandinavian sisters Anna and Elsa, rate highly for me if you can overlook Elsa’s coldshoulder routine and Anna’s ADHD (no, I don’t want to build a friggen snowman). Rapunzel and Belle, both suffering Stockholm syndrome from messy past relationships, would be hard work, not to mention their previous fellas could pose a problem: one a serial criminal; the other, literally, a beast.
Which leaves one choice for me: the hottest Disney chick ever, Ariel ( The Little Mermaid).
Ariel likes the sea, I like the sea. I have a soft spot for gingers. She is strong-willed, independent, has a good family behind her and, best of all, no feet. Feet are gross. Not to offend the podiatrists or the masseurs out there making a living from feet, but I think the world would be a better place without feet.
Well, feet and religion, but that’s for another time.
It’s one of those things you don’t really want to admit but when the question is asked, we tell.
With the new release of the live-action remake of Aladdin, with Will Smith as the Genie, it’s nice to see these movies that we grew up with getting a reboot.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I would now like to confess my love for a character that shows strength, courage and good looks.
Of course, I’m talking about Tarzan. He is the old-school Thor.
In fact, why didn’t Chris Hemsworth play Tarzan when they did the live-action reboot a few years ago?
Raised in the jungle by apes, he’s gracious but fun, with a heart of gold (look at me writing about him like I’ve met him). Even though Tarzan was supposedly a wild human who didn’t have knowledge of any human trends, he was somehow clean-shaven with no trace of a beard whatsoever. Maybe they had a sneaky can of Veet hair removal.
Actually, come to think about it, I reckon Tarzan was the brainchild for the character Spider-man. If you think about it, he was a bit buff, he liked swinging on things and he enjoyed kissing Jane upside down.
They essentially just replaced the vines with spider webs.
Over the weekend, do yourself a favour and ask your mates, which Disney character they have an irrational crush on.
I think you’ll be surprised.