Life & Style Weekend - - MAGAZINE| BIG READ - WORDS: JENNA MARTIN – www.kidspot.com.au

Let’s face it. Par­ent­ing small chil­dren is about two things: wran­gling them to get places you need them to be, and keep­ing them away from the big three: things that will ei­ther kill them, rot their teeth or bleed your bank ac­count dry. New par­ents, fear not: That’s about all there is to it.

The span­ner, how­ever, is that kids are adorable id­iots who have no idea that things are dan­ger­ous or ex­pen­sive or that their delin­quent be­hav­iour is driv­ing us to dis­trac­tion and/or al­co­hol.

How do we deal with this? We lie. We stretch the truth, we some­times straight-up pull facts right out of our back­side partly to keep kids safe but mostly to keep our san­ity.

Aussie co­me­dian Tanya Hen­nessy has taken to Face­book ask­ing par­ents to spill the beans on the big­gest and best lies they’ve ever told their kids and boy, did they de­liver. Mums and dads around the coun­try re­vealed in­ge­nious porky pies. And they are par­ent­ing goals. Like this one:

“Those lit­tle rides in the shop­ping cen­tre that you al­ways see the par­ents pulling their scream­ing kids from, are only for when it’s your birthday. So ev­ery time we go past one and a kid is on it she goes ‘Happy birthday!’”

There were the prac­ti­cal lies we all need in our back pocket for ev­ery­day de­cep­tion:

“Po­lice road­side breath tests are check­ing if ev­ery­one has brushed their teeth! He­li­copters go­ing over the beach are en­sur­ing ev­ery­one has their hats on!”

“When the kids were young (like un­der the age of 5-6) I oc­ca­sion­ally put the clocks for­ward an hour or so at night so that they would go to bed ear­lier ‘Hey it’s bed­time’.”

“The tooth fairy for­got to come one night and when my son asked we said ‘It wasn’t our night, she only comes to our house on Mon­day, Wed­nes­day or Fri­day’. Now when my son loses a tooth he asks if it’s our night!”

And some are just pure ge­nius:

“I told my girl that all the lol­lies and bags of lol­lies are just there to choose. You have to buy on­line. The day I first said it I watched a fully grown man put his lol­lies back and loudly state ‘I’m go­ing to buy those on­line later’.”

There were par­ents who ad­mit­ted pre­tend­ing there were “seat po­lice­men” on planes, that vanilla yo­ghurt was re­ally ice cream and that Santa was watch­ing them from the se­cu­rity cam­eras ... and the mo­tion sen­sor de­vice ... and the smoke alarm. (Ev­ery move you make, ev­ery tantrum you fake, Santa will be watch­ing you.)

And, prov­ing that Mcdon­ald’s con­tin­ues to be ev­ery par­ent’s down­fall, there were about a bil­lion Macca’s-re­lated lies:

“My dad used to tell us if we didn’t be­have in the Mcdon­ald’s drive thru we’d get a sad meal in­stead.”

“I used to work at Mcdon­ald’s and would have par­ents whis­per to me ‘Can you tell my son/daugh­ter that you’ve run out of happy meals/ice cream/toys’ even when we hadn’t.”

“If the M is yel­low, Mcdon­ald’s is closed. It’s only open when it’s green.”

Let’s face it, not only are these hi­lar­i­ous ac­counts of the truly ridicu­lous jour­ney that is par­ent­ing, they are also ex­cel­lent life hacks. These par­ents are pro­vid­ing a valu­able pub­lic ser­vice. The thread is an A-Z of ‘How to par­ent like an ab­so­lute boss’ and I would like to thank each of them for mak­ing my life just a lit­tle bit eas­ier.

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