FAMILY FAKE NEWS
PARENTS SHARE THE BIGGEST (AND HANDIEST) LIES THEY’VE TOLD THEIR CHILDREN
Let’s face it. Parenting small children is about two things: wrangling them to get places you need them to be, and keeping them away from the big three: things that will either kill them, rot their teeth or bleed your bank account dry. New parents, fear not: That’s about all there is to it.
The spanner, however, is that kids are adorable idiots who have no idea that things are dangerous or expensive or that their delinquent behaviour is driving us to distraction and/or alcohol.
How do we deal with this? We lie. We stretch the truth, we sometimes straight-up pull facts right out of our backside partly to keep kids safe but mostly to keep our sanity.
Aussie comedian Tanya Hennessy has taken to Facebook asking parents to spill the beans on the biggest and best lies they’ve ever told their kids and boy, did they deliver. Mums and dads around the country revealed ingenious porky pies. And they are parenting goals. Like this one:
“Those little rides in the shopping centre that you always see the parents pulling their screaming kids from, are only for when it’s your birthday. So every time we go past one and a kid is on it she goes ‘Happy birthday!’”
There were the practical lies we all need in our back pocket for everyday deception:
“Police roadside breath tests are checking if everyone has brushed their teeth! Helicopters going over the beach are ensuring everyone has their hats on!”
“When the kids were young (like under the age of 5-6) I occasionally put the clocks forward an hour or so at night so that they would go to bed earlier ‘Hey it’s bedtime’.”
“The tooth fairy forgot to come one night and when my son asked we said ‘It wasn’t our night, she only comes to our house on Monday, Wednesday or Friday’. Now when my son loses a tooth he asks if it’s our night!”
And some are just pure genius:
“I told my girl that all the lollies and bags of lollies are just there to choose. You have to buy online. The day I first said it I watched a fully grown man put his lollies back and loudly state ‘I’m going to buy those online later’.”
There were parents who admitted pretending there were “seat policemen” on planes, that vanilla yoghurt was really ice cream and that Santa was watching them from the security cameras ... and the motion sensor device ... and the smoke alarm. (Every move you make, every tantrum you fake, Santa will be watching you.)
And, proving that Mcdonald’s continues to be every parent’s downfall, there were about a billion Macca’s-related lies:
“My dad used to tell us if we didn’t behave in the Mcdonald’s drive thru we’d get a sad meal instead.”
“I used to work at Mcdonald’s and would have parents whisper to me ‘Can you tell my son/daughter that you’ve run out of happy meals/ice cream/toys’ even when we hadn’t.”
“If the M is yellow, Mcdonald’s is closed. It’s only open when it’s green.”
Let’s face it, not only are these hilarious accounts of the truly ridiculous journey that is parenting, they are also excellent life hacks. These parents are providing a valuable public service. The thread is an A-Z of ‘How to parent like an absolute boss’ and I would like to thank each of them for making my life just a little bit easier.