Love, sex and sexuality
“For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.” [Rainer Maria Rilke]
Awoman has her tennis racquet and she serves the ball with rage, over to her partner, “I hate you, you never listen to me” she cries. “I do listen, you just never let up.” he says, as he uses his racquet to slam the ball back to her. This match continues and perhaps ends in ‘love,’ unfortunately, not the love they started with. In the beginning couples fall in love, wear wonderful rose coloured glasses and see the best in each other. Somehow over the years, the love seems to disappear and the glasses get foggy.
There are 4 stages to relationships. Successful ones move through these stages sequentially. spending different amounts of time in any given stage. They are: Attraction, Power Struggle, Co-operation and Synergy and it’s in the synergy that couples discover understanding of a power greater than that of each individual. The result of this is total commitment, intimacy, mutual trust, empowerment and ease. So let’s dissect the title! LOVE… that precious feeling we all desire to feel. “Love at first sight” is a common theme for many. If you believe in reincarnation then, yes, you doubtlessly have been with that person before, but many times those karmic soul-mate relationships are excruciatingly painful!
Real Love doesn’t happen overnight, it takes years to grow into its fullest blossoming. Lust is the entree and once the rose colored glasses come off then comes the main course can be anything from boredom to apathy with the resulting passion dwindling down to a weekly, monthly, bi-annually love making “because we “should”. Love grows best in a soil of willingness to develop and change with the seasons... The courtship, the honeymoon, the settling in/down, the parenting, where women nest and nurture and sex is often not high on their agenda whereas for men it’s generally up there at the top of the list!
Working through the pain of job losses, financial dilemmas, parents aging/dying, health crises... That is love at its highest octave. I’m sure you’ve heard the story of the old man who visits his wife who has Alzheimer’s. When a nurse asked: “Why do you come every day, because she doesn’t even know you
“For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”
anymore?” He answers “I understand that, but I know who SHE is!”
Love is something that needs working on every day, otherwise like an abandoned, uncleaned library, full of wisdom and humor and knowledge, the shelves and books become dusty with grime and eventually you can’t read what’s in them! People work out at the gym, yoga, Pilates - often daily! Yet that muscle of the heart rarely gets a good workout and easily atrophies. SEX conjures up two people romping about, passion high, naked, sweating bodies gyrating in tune with the energy of desire until orgasm lulls them to sleep. Fun but not deeply satisfying on a primal level and ultimately boring (more so for women). Unless men and women have some understanding of anatomy and their own bodies, unless they know what turns them on and what that looks like and feels like, then rarely does ordinary sex become a yearning to be energetically and sexually connected to your beloved… a feeling that lasts forever. Tantric sex on the other hand comes from the premise of intimacy, of slow movement, often of stillness. It seeks to awaken the armor we have all placed around our genitals from times when we’ve been penetrated too hard, said yes to sex instead of no, when we weren’t really ready (women) or for men when we made love to please another, when we really would have loved to have been held but that is not “manly” enough or when we were anxious about our performance.
So we have the foreplay which is rarely enough to make a woman fully ready.... Maybe she is wet but that isn’t enough. The stats on women who fake orgasm or who simply don’t orgasm are horrifyingly high. Then there’s the increasing use of porn to stimulate. Throw in extra marital
There are 4 stages to relationships. Successful ones move through these stages sequentially. spending different amounts of time in any given stage.
affairs that often lead to divorce and it’s not a pretty picture.
What transforms sex from the mundane to the magical is intimacy, a spiritual connection where the woman has time to get out of her busy head and into her yoni (vagina) and men have time to draw their energy up from their Lingam (penis) into their heart. Then we are making magic happen every single time from the heart and to the heart, with or without orgasm. Tantra requires practice which is why so few people bother to learn it but once learned it is totally transformative for all relationships.
SEXUALITY is something we are not generally taught is a safe thing to embody. Advertising portrays sexuality as the red lipstick, pouty lips, low cut tops, perky breasts jutting out tantalizingly, sexy lingerie, a perfect bikini body or a toned pair of biceps or a 6 pack on a naked torso with low slung jeans. However, sexuality is not something you can buy from a shop (or a gym). It’s more than the label you give yourself. It’s an inherent feeling deep in your core self - a connection to that place where pleasure resides (everywhere from an ear lobe to a big toe and places in between). It’s in the breath, the touch, the conscious awakening of the cells of the body and it comes with time and working on oneself to remove the barriers of fear and conditioning. Surrendering to feelings until they ripple through cells like waves in the ocean. It grows slowly with the confidence of self love, self acceptance and a willingness to be all that you can be… for yourself.
Bringing it all together
Love is the soft yummy stuff but also the hard stuff that happens in relationships that brings us closer, the pain, the sadness, the confusion, the fear and the working through it. Start with yourself and love you first. If you can only love you 60% then that’s all you will let in from outside. Do some work on your own patterns so you don’t recreate them in relationships! Sex - take it to the next level by decoding your beliefs around it, take love making to the next level by reading books or doing a course. Educate yourself about your body. Learn to communicate what you desire, what works, what doesn’t. Sexuality - feel safe enough to be willing to really embody it, allow it to fill every cell knowing it is a gift and through these things create a deep intimate relationship that allows the divine feminine and the divine masculine to live their authentic selves. n
It grows slowly with the confidence of self love, self acceptance and a willingness to be all that you can be… for yourself.