CAN YOU SPOT THE SIGNS?
Having trouble picking your Cancer from your Capricorn? Australian astrologer Matt Galea is here to help with this cheeky cheat sheet to all the zodiac stereotypes
ARIES
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
At the front of the drink queue.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
They’re literally shaking from consuming too much coffee.
BIGGEST FLEX
They were always picked first in PE.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
They have absolutely no patience whatsoever.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
People who can’t take a joke.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
Not giving a single fuck.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
They’ve got a back-up energy drink in the fridge for emergencies.
CURES BOREDOM BY
Reminding people that their answer won pub trivia last year; reading brutal restaurant reviews; drag racing the car next to them.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
An Aries demanding a rematch after they’ve lost at cards.
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH
THEIR LAST $100
Send boxes and boxes of tissues to someone whose feelings they’ve hurt as a passive-aggressive gesture.
TAURUS
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
Napping.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
They clearly don’t want to be here.
BIGGEST FLEX
They look hot in trackies.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
They’re so stubborn and set in their ways that they’re closed off to new experiences.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
When people take food off their plate.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
Their unashamed ability to say no.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
There’s a giant bed waiting for them when this shit is over.
CURES BOREDOM BY
Adding items they can’t afford to their online shopping cart; watching crazy food TikToks; going back to doing absolutely nothing.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
A Taurus who’s run out of snacks.
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH THEIR
LAST $100
Stock up on self-care items.
GEMINI
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
Online. Eternally online.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
Their phone is buzzing with notifications.
BIGGEST FLEX
Crafting risky texts.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
They can’t keep a secret to save themselves.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
Being told gossip they’ve already heard elsewhere.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
The folder of spicy screenshots saved in their phone.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
The sound of laughter, especially when it’s generated from something they said.
CURES BOREDOM BY
Creating a fake Insta profile to stalk people; sliding into celebs’ DMs just to see if they’ll respond; pretending to garden so they can listen to the neighbourhood tea.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
A Gemini finding out you knew hot goss and didn’t tell them.
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH THEIR LAST $100
Add to their collection of black clothes.
CANCER
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
Exploring nature and their feelings simultaneously.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
Wet hair from their morning swim.
BIGGEST FLEX
They give the best hugs – healing hugs.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
They can never let shit go.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
People with the emotional maturity of a toddler.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
Their empathic powers.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
Their emotional-support water bottle.
CURES BOREDOM BY
Howling at the moon; reading tarot and angel cards; checking in on their pals like a loving parent.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
A Cancer whose space has been invaded.
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH THEIR LAST $100
Buy photo albums for their pics.
LEO
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
Lighting up the dance floor.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
The audacity.
BIGGEST FLEX
Every day is a good hair day.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
They think they’re immune to criticism.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
When you view their Instagram Story without responding with a fire emoji.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
Their sheer, unbreakable confidence.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
“Your delivery will be arriving today.”
CURES BOREDOM BY
Ordering unnecessary shit online; admiring their own reflection; and mood-boarding their next “impromptu” photoshoot.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
A Leo starved of attention.
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH THEIR LAST $100
Buy a new ring light.
VIRGO
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
In the stationery aisle, searching for matching stuff.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
How not a single hair is out of place.
BIGGEST FLEX
Their encyclopaedic knowledge.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
Being so highly strung they are in a constant state of annoyance, pissed off that things aren’t up to their standards.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
The incorrect spelling of ‘your’.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
Their brain.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
Freshly cleaned bedsheets.
CURES BOREDOM BY
Giving their mates a history lesson they didn’t ask for; insisting on doing their parents’ taxes for them; judging the bizarre wardrobe choices of people on the street.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
A Virgo who’s been fact-checked
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH THEIR LAST $100
Restock their multivitamins.
LIBRA
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
Unintentionally commanding the room’s attention at a lush soirée.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
They’re literally glowing.
BIGGEST FLEX
Everyone who meets them falls madly in love with them.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
They can be naive and gullible.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
Unnecessary drama.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
Their pretty privilege.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
Their colour-coded wardrobe.
CURES BOREDOM BY
Crafting their new Insta aesthetic; piecing together stylish new ’fits; building a fence to straddle.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
A Libra asked to make a decision.
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH THEIR
LAST $100
Buy matching friendship bracelets for everyone they’ve met in the past week.
SCORPIO
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
In their dark lair.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
They’re staring right at you.
BIGGEST FLEX
They frighten the hell out of people.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
They frighten the hell out of people.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
When people tell them astrology is bullshit.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
Their ability to read your mind.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
Karma.
CURES BOREDOM BY
Performing hexes; starting and circulating conspiracy theories; dancing on people’s graves (metaphorically, not literally. I hope).
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
A Scorpio. Full stop.
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH THEIR LAST $100
Purchase supplies that’ll sustain them in their bunker until they’re ready to emerge and face the world again.
SAGITTARIUS
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
Fucked if I know.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
They’re using a passport as their ID to flash their travel stamps.
BIGGEST FLEX
They can order a beer in several languages.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
Their extreme FOMO.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
Buying a round of drinks for someone who won’t return the favour.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
Their booming social calendar.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
Their killer comebacks.
CURES BOREDOM BY
Sparking intellectual debates; trying to re-create the taste of a meal they once ate at a street market overseas.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
A Sagittarius with no weekend plans.
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH THEIR LAST $100
Get their stacks of camera film developed.
CAPRICORN
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
Climbing the corporate ladder.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
Their look of disapproval.
BIGGEST FLEX
They can actually keep their house plants alive.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
They struggle to express their emotions.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
Noticing a stain on someone’s shirt.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
Their restraint.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
The trophy they won in Year 6.
CURES BOREDOM BY
Informing their ex that they’re dating someone hotter; updating their résumé with the new skills they gain daily; reading the terms and conditions of the new product they just purchased.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
A Capricorn forced to feel emotions in public.
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH THEIR LAST $100
Invest it wisely.
AQUARIUS
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
At some hip and trendy art gallery you’re not cool enough to be at.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
Their antenna.
BIGGEST FLEX
The signatures they’ve racked up on their latest petition.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
They’re constantly tired from losing sleep over their latest fixation.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
Their unique way of thinking.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
Seeing someone be rude to a waiter.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
Sci-fi movies.
CURES BOREDOM BY
Trying to bring about world peace; questioning the system; reading books you’ve never heard of.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
An Aquarius who’s just caught you littering.
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH THEIR LAST $100
Donate it to charity.
This is an edited extract from How to Spot the (Star) Signs by Matt Galea (Macmillan Australia, $36.99). Out now.
PISCES
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
Having a cry in the stairwell at work.
FIRST THING YOU’LL NOTICE ABOUT THEM
They’re spiralling about something.
BIGGEST FLEX
Carrying so much emotional baggage has made them super strong.
BIGGEST WEAKNESS
Their detachment from reality.
WHAT GIVES THEM THE ICK
People who are all work and no play.
MOST POWERFUL WEAPON AT THEIR DISPOSAL
Their survival instinct.
SOURCE OF COMFORT
That fluffy blanket they’ve owned forever and refuse to part with.
CURES BOREDOM BY
Daydreaming; designing a costume to wear even though they have no costume parties to attend; dropping emotional grenades in the group chat.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
A Pisces with no-one to complain to.
WHAT THEY’D DO WITH THEIR LAST $100
Send their ex to therapy.