“I would like to suggest some Halloween costumes that are truly terrifying”

We didn’t celebrate Halloween when I was a kid, at least not officially. We did, however, roam the neighbourhood in packs trying to cadge the odd lolly snake off someone’s mum.

But that was strictly during the day; we weren’t allowed out on the streets at night in case we turned into delinquents, and also because we wanted to be home in time for Sale of the Century.

But these days, Halloween, like so many other facets of American culture, has infiltrated our own, and it’s here to stay, whether we like it or not.

I know plenty of parents who don’t, but frankly, fighting it was always going to be a losing battle.

What kid is going to say no to running around with their mates in the dark, consuming more sugar in one night than they are allowed for the entire year, and dressing in whatever cheap, highly flammable costume their parents have managed to pick up at Woolies that afternoon? No kid I know.

Speaking of costumes, this is where my personal objection to Halloween lies because I feel they are either unimaginative (please see, on October 31, the entire cohort from Hogwarts roaming the streets) or for reasons which remain unclear, some sort of sexy version of the nursing profession.

None of these are remotely frightening, and to that end, I would like to suggest some Halloween costumes that are in fact truly terrifying. Please feel free to dress as any one of the following characters come All Hallows’ Eve.

But be warned, some of these are the stuff of nightmares …

The new British Prime Minister, Liz Truss: Wear a two-piece suit, a lovely brooch, stockings, a pair of court shoes, and bring down your country’s entire economy in just under a month into the job.

A perimenopausal woman: For this look you will need a short temper, a freakishly high body temperature and the ability to perspire randomly. Wear anything you like, an old dressing gown and slippers, a bit of old rope, it doesn’t matter because you no longer give a stuff.

My husband when St Kilda loses: For this look you will need a Saints scarf, beanie and jersey, and to stomp around the streets yelling “@$*&% you, ump” a lot. The beauty of this costume is that

with a change of clothes, it can be adapted to any sport, sporting club, or player. Nick Kyrgios springs to mind, for example.

A toddler whose parents have just taken the iPad off them: Wear a pair of adorable corduroy overalls, a little knitted cap, and then throw yourself to the ground. Scream, “I WANT BLUEY” at the top of your lungs, and bite people’s ankles as they pass.

A new mother on her first night out after a baby: For this look, some girlfriends, some leaking breasts, and one drink. Throw your arms in the air, scream “Let’s go dancing!”, and tell strangers that you love them. Then burst into tears.

Donald Trump: Wear a blue suit, a red cap with “MAGA” on it, a small, domesticated animal of some sort on your head and a woman on your arm who looks like she’s part of a prisonerexchange program. frances.whiting@news.com.au