Unfair sharing of the estate is sure to cause heartache in the future

Because Jeffrey is giving extra financial help to one of his three children ...

QI have three children, all aged in their 50s. All have received gifts of money from me and, where required, loans. Two of these children are in solid marriages with both partners employed. The other child’s marriage has failed and her husband occupies the family home with her three young adult children. For several years she has needed money from me. Now, living in rented premises with a partner, she is still clearly the one whose needs are greatest.

My assets include a house, valued at $1 million-plus, a collection of artworks and a share portfolio of the same value. How do I ensure that my executor distributes this fairly, though perhaps not evenly? I have a will, updated as events required, and have appointed one child as the executor.

Uh oh. I sense trouble here, Jeffrey. This is a great concern for Vicki and me. We also have three adult children, but quite a bit younger than yours. We also share your view of distributing our estate as loans to the children, when we can afford it, while we are alive. If one of us makes age 90, which is fairly likely, it’s not much point giving assets via our estate to nearly retired kids!

And it is easy to state the obvious: treat all the kids equally. But what happens when you set out what is a very common scenario? One child divorces, is not in the home you helped to purchase and now lives in a rental property with a new partner. Clearly, she needs more help than her siblings, but is “double-dipping” into the family pot of money.

This issue causes more family split-ups than any other. Inequality with money is a sure-fire disaster in the making. I am trying to find the wisdom of Solomon here, but I am failing. Clearly a family conference with the three siblings is required if additional funds are to be offered now. I would suggest if this is done, it is an advance on her share of your estate, hence it balances out in the future. If it is to be an additional amount going to her, it would be really valuable to get sibling agreement to this.

Please don’t leave one child as executor to “fairly” distribute your eventual estate. If it is to be done evenly, make it clear. If it is to be “unfair”, in than one child gets a bigger share, I really feel you need to make this implicit in your will. I would not pass the responsibility to one child. That is sure to ruin their future relationship with one or both of their siblings.

In your shoes, I’d be having a one-on-one with both of your daughter’s siblings to get their views, then a family chat. But one thing is for sure: if you want a less than equal split via your estate, see your solicitor and make that clear now. I am very much against “after we are dead” surprises, so I’d be communicating what your estate plan is. I appreciate that if we are dead it means no aggravation for us, but a less than equal estate guarantees sibling discontent in time to come.