Motor (Australia) - - HOT SOURCE. FAST CAR GUIDE - Tim Keen

IN FIG­URES THAT SUR­PRISED NO-ONE, Toy­ota has sold eleventy gazil­lion Hiluxes so far this year. In Septem­ber, Hilux alone sold only slightly fewer units than all of Honda’s range put to­gether. You might have seen this statis­tic: if Hilux was its own car com­pany, in­stead of part of Toy­ota, it would be the 11th-big­gest car com­pany in Aus­tralia by sales.

But why stop the com­par­isons there? Over the past decade (I’m count­ing since 2008, and as­sum­ing the 2018 to­tal will be on par with the 2017 num­ber – in fact, it’s on track to ex­ceed it) Toy­ota has sold 447,494 Hiluxes in Aus­tralia. (Or is it Hilii?)

If ev­ery­one in Aus­tralia who bought a Hilux in the past 10 years lived in the same place it would be the eighth big­gest city in Aus­tralia. In fact, the to­tal pop­u­la­tion of Hilux City would be 37 peo­ple larger than the pop­u­la­tion of the Can­berra-Quean­beyan metro area. This is a bizarrely true fact. Is it co­in­ci­dence that a decade’s worth of Hilux own­ers al­most ex­actly matches the pop­u­la­tion of our na­tion’s cap­i­tal? And is it wrong to want to see a fight be­tween the two?

Hilux City would be big­ger than Ho­bart and Dar­win com­bined. On the other hand, there’s not much that isn’t big­ger than Ho­bart and Dar­win com­bined. I think the 7.23am Syd­ney North Shore train has more peo­ple than Ho­bart and Dar­win com­bined. Peak hour in Dar­win is when one car gets stuck be­hind the other car.

So maybe that’s un­der­selling the Hilux clan. Maybe the peo­ple of Hilux City should aim big­ger again. If Hilux City se­ceded, Hutt River Prov­ince style, it would be the 169th big­gest coun­try in the world. It would have roughly the pop­u­la­tion of Brunei. It would have about as many peo­ple as Ice­land and Tonga com­bined.

And the Hilux­i­ans could give se­ced­ing a red hot go: with 447,494 peo­ple, the newly de­clared Sov­er­eign Na­tion of Hilux would eclipse the to­tal Aus­tralian De­fence Force by more than 367,000 peo­ple. Even if the ADF drafted the en­tire pop­u­la­tion of Townsville and Cairns, they’d still be out­manned. Es­pe­cially since half their draftees would be drunk – and the other half would al­ready be liv­ing in the Repub­lic of Hilux.

Would the world be bet­ter if na­tions were based on what we drove in­stead of where we were born? As John Len­non once mused, “Imagine there’s no coun­tries/It isn’t hard to do/Noth­ing to kill or die for/And cheaper spare parts too.” The Hilux­i­ans would live in a quasi-utopian land of mostly dual-cab har­mony, as long as they didn’t want to use Ap­ple CarPlay or carry as much as a BT-50, and carry on a friendly Aussie-Kiwi-style ri­valry with the slightly smaller United State Of Ford Ranger next door.

The Demo­cratic Em­pire of Corolla and the Prin­ci­pal­ity of Mazda3 would both be de­signed as su­per­mar­ket carparks that stretch as far as the eye can see, with herds of shop­ping carts be­ing stalked by trol­ley trac­tors as they gath­ered at wa­ter­ing holes. And the lead­ers of the two na­tions would ar­gue at the United Au­to­mo­tive Na­tions about which coun­try is big­ger, de­pend­ing on whether you in­clude fleet sales or just pri­vate ve­hi­cles.

The Fed­er­ated States of Hot Hatch would oc­cupy the moun­tains, all wind­ing roads and snaking tar­mac that looks sus­pi­ciously like it was copied from early chap­ters of Ini­tial D. Down be­low, the Con­fed­er­a­tion Of V8s would be a vast series of two-lane traf­fic lights fol­lowed by quar­ter-mile straights, and a na­tion-wide ban on speed cam­eras.

And in the dis­tance, con­cealed from view in a blue smoky haze, the King­dom Of Sum­mer­nats would carry out their ar­cane bar­bar­ian ri­tu­als ac­com­pa­nied by the an­cient rhyth­mic in­can­ta­tion, “Tits out, tits out, tits out for the boys...”

Any­way, that’s what the world looks like to me when I look at the VFACTS num­bers. Es­pe­cially if I’ve had one of those spe­cial brown­ies from the green Tup­per­ware while watch­ing Game Of Thrones be­fore­hand.

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