ALLISON DUBOIS
YOU DON’T HAVE TO LET YOUR PAST DEFINE YOU, SAYS ALLISON
QMy dad passed away (by someone else’s hands) 41 years ago and I witnessed it. I miss him terribly and I’m wanting to know if he’s at peace. Is he with me? Sharon, via email.
ASharon, that must have been very traumatic for you, I’m sorry. Your dad finding peace hinges on your happiness. His knowing that you’ve been safe all these years would bring him a lot of comfort. If he sees you thriving, finding love, having a family of your own, that would give him a feeling of great joy. I have no doubt that he’s been by your side throughout your life.
Parents don’t like to leave their children, so they tend to shadow them making sure that they’re protected. Talk to your dad, he can hear you. Let him know you want him in your life. The more that you include him in your life, the easier it is for him to communicate with you.
Put up pictures of him when he was vibrant, and full of life, to counter your awful memory of his death. It’s that painful memory that makes it difficult for him to reach you.
QI have been stuck in a rut for the past 25 years. It has been six months since I stopped drinking and I have lost friends and family because of it. Also, I have not had a relationship for over 20 years. I have lost all direction in life and do not know what to do with my life. Is there any end to this long and never-ending despair, or do I accept the fact that this is all there is?
William, via email.
AWilliam, you don’t have to accept a mediocre existence, and 25 years is a long time to be stuck in a rut. I’m glad you’ve reached a place in your life where you want something better for yourself. If your sobriety has driven people out of your life maybe they were part of your problem. You don’t have to let your past define you. Today is a new day.
Let’s talk about direction for you. What kind of a man do you want to be? What would your life look like? Envision who you’d be and become him.
It’s important for you to find a support group like Alcoholics Anonymous. You need moral support and encouragement. It’s also necessary for you to have a purpose, through a job or volunteer work. Whatever your passion is, or your skill set, utilise it. If you love animals volunteer at a shelter, if you want to help other people to fight addiction look into becoming a certified addiction counsellor. There are so many connections out there for you to make with others and friendships to be had.
Once you have a support system and a purpose, then freshen yourself up – a haircut and new clothes can make you feel like a new man. Then you might feel ready to meet someone special. Join a social group, go to sporting events, put yourself out there.
No need to punish yourself for your past. There’s a life out there waiting for you. You deserve to be happy. If you put your energy into building a new life, you’ll never regret it.
QI was just wondering if my nan still thinks about me even though she is dead?
Ashlea, via email.
AAshlea, your nan would have energy on knowing what you’re up to and how you are doing. As long as you think about people you have loved and lost, they’re around to assure you that you’re not alone.