Sibling RIVALRY

IF YOU’VE GOT MORE THAN ONE CHILD, YOU’VE PROBABLY WITNESSED A FEW BATTLES. PSYCHOLOGIST IAN WALLACE EXPLAINS HOW TO HELP THEM FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT

Do your toddlers seem to fight with each other every 10 or 15 minutes? Frustrating, isn’t it?! You might be surprised to know that sibling rivalry is fairly normal. Varied research has told us that siblings under 5 years of age fight regularly, typically from once an hour, to as often as once every 10 minutes or so.

WHY THE CONFLICT?

There are many reasons why kids get into sibling rivalry battles. The most common reason is simple jealousy and naturally competing for attention or affection.

While siblings actually love each other, their limited empathy also leads them to fight with who they perceive to be rivals for time, attention or affection. Similarly, toddlers are jealous when their sibling has something they want, such as a favourite toy. As they have limited language skills, it is easier to just snatch and fight, rather than to verbally express complex needs.

DIFFERENT STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT

A younger child might not yet understand ownership, so they just grab a desired toy or possession, and refuse to give it up. Naturally, a battle erupts.

Similarly, an older child might now want a little more independence, and begin pushing away a much younger toddler.

Differing personalities can also lead to rivalry – an anxious, clingy child might fight more for their parents’ attention, which a more relaxed child might eventually resent. It can also be as simple as toddlers testing their strength and boundaries, as all animals do, like baby puppies wrestling, or baby lions clawing each other.

However, unhealthy sibling rivalry occurs more often in a home where parents argue, verbally fight or don’t resolve conflict reasonably and effectively.

Overall, it’s normal for siblings to be rivals sometimes and to fight sometimes, as long as they also show love towards each other, share occasionally and take turns. The exception is when rivalry is better described as abuse, such as a younger child physically hurting an older sibling by viciously biting. Or an older brother using more advanced language skills and bigger physical stature, to intimidate and aggressively control his younger sister.

Such behaviour must be stopped immediately and the abusive child removed for quiet thinking time.

BUILDING RESILIENCE

When I present parenting talks, sibling rivalry is often the most common topic up for discussion. Parents are surprised to hear that fighting can actually be acceptable, even somewhat healthy, as long as it occurs in moderation and is well managed.

We know that brothers and sisters who battle but who are guided to find solutions and to resolve conflict tend to be more resilient, more successful in managing social conflict, and less likely to be bullied.

Similarly, toddlers who engage in moderate sibling rivalry learn how to resolve conflict and to not fixate on it but move forward and be caring and loving again. We also know that toddlers initially don’t have

the skills to resolve battles. Therefore, as parents, you need to help your children find solutions and guide them toward resolving conflict. This might be teaching them how to take turns. Place lots of positive feedback on your child when they agree to share, and are nice and cooperative. A common error is to take sides or to referee and find fault with one child.

A better strategy is to treat children equally, affirming that they both aren’t being nice to each other, and both need quiet thinking time, or time away from toys. This should be followed by practising getting on with each other and giving positive reinforcement. Finally, positives always beat punishment and reaction. Try to focus on catching your toddlers being kind to each other and sharing, and giving them genuine regard and praise.